Wow, Today was just fantastic. God has been teaching me alot today through being at powerquest. First of all, I find it necessary to explain the story. Powerquest essentially is vacation bible school. There are teams and stuff, and I was a leader on a team called tnt. I wasn't even a full leader in the first place, when I came last wednesday, because I hadn't planned on coming. I sort of came last minute, and did what I could to help.
Friday I couldn't come, and thats when the teams and leaders were really set in stone. So, I was no longer a leader in powerquest. Today at work my plan was to see if I could get off early to go to powerquest and visit with my friends, if I couldn't be there, being with friends at the end would be better than nothing. But Work was really slow today, and that is a miracle for me. I was allowed to be on call for amanda, so I went straight to powerquest.
I wasn't allowed to be a leader, they had all the spots filled. So I asked the one in charge what I could do to help. I did everything given to me. I said, lord, I am here, and I am going to give whatever I do my all. I don't care what it is. So, I was given some pretty tough stuff to do. All of it was simple, and humbling. I got to meet new people, and show I really cared. I was outside, and I was sweating horribly, because my Job required me to run non-stop. It looked easy, but it really wasn't, at all.
But anyways, charles, the other team leader for TNT, he sprained his wrist, so, the first person that was called in to take his place as leader was me. I did everything I could to be a good leader. I had worked so hard to get there with absolutely no guarantee. But God was with me. He showed me a huge lesson today, you have to do what you are given in front of you to the full. Why would you be trusted with something big when you can't even handle the small things given to you.
One thing is for sure though, when I was given the priveledge of being a leader, It meant so much more to me that I earned it. I thank God for this great lesson today. Oh, and after all that, I even got the t-shirt, from the leader. That told me that I was in the club. I'm so excited, its absolutely awesome.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
When I Stumble
After I stumble, its like, I see everything I have done for the way it is. I look back and I see what I could have done better. Its humiliating, I stumble so much, and I feel helpless to prevent it. Its not within my power to stop. For I am nothing more than a human. I don't like to wear the title Christian, I bring shame to Jesus' name, when I want to bring him glory, he deserves nothing less than my all, yet most of the time, if not all of it, I'm holding back from him.
I want to give God my all but I keep falling into the deadly snare of sin. I'm so helpless! Its like I want to scream and rip all of my hair out. When it is over and done though, God is right there with me, he didn't leave me at all, he never gave up on me and he is always there. I just don't get it, his love is infinite. There is so much that I don't know, I want to keep learning. Every time I fall, I am reminded of how holy God is, but recently, I've noticed that he is a loving, and ever patient God. If you believe otherwise, it is a lie from the enemy!
I'm sick of gratifying the wicked desires of the flesh, which bring only death. But the fruit of the spirit is, Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. The fruit of the spirit brings eternal life! I'm stuck with the flesh, the twisted demented flesh. I'm sick on the inside when I think of it.
In my heart, I know that God is going to be with me, as I walk through this. I know he will enable me to do his perfect and holy will. And I know that he will used me as I am, flawed, and imperfect in every way. He will love me and be by my side always & forever. The God I love and worship is perfect, loving and Holy. All Glory be to God!
I want to give God my all but I keep falling into the deadly snare of sin. I'm so helpless! Its like I want to scream and rip all of my hair out. When it is over and done though, God is right there with me, he didn't leave me at all, he never gave up on me and he is always there. I just don't get it, his love is infinite. There is so much that I don't know, I want to keep learning. Every time I fall, I am reminded of how holy God is, but recently, I've noticed that he is a loving, and ever patient God. If you believe otherwise, it is a lie from the enemy!
I'm sick of gratifying the wicked desires of the flesh, which bring only death. But the fruit of the spirit is, Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. The fruit of the spirit brings eternal life! I'm stuck with the flesh, the twisted demented flesh. I'm sick on the inside when I think of it.
In my heart, I know that God is going to be with me, as I walk through this. I know he will enable me to do his perfect and holy will. And I know that he will used me as I am, flawed, and imperfect in every way. He will love me and be by my side always & forever. The God I love and worship is perfect, loving and Holy. All Glory be to God!
Empty
I'm a bit empty right now. Its funny, its like, no matter what I try to do, there is still this gap that needs filling. Like an inborn feeling of emptiness. I have the world right now. I have the coolest friends in the world, and I can talk to them about anything. I love to be with them, yet even when I am with them there is still a gap that they cant fill.
I was thinking about that, I guess there is only one who can fill that void. Strange, that we procrastinate on reading the Bible, or praying, when He is the only one who can fill the gap. I'll wager that Satan is doing everything he can to cover our eyes to the truth.
I remember growing up, I would always do the worldly things, and even now as a Christian, I am just as susceptible to some of them. Its so hard to break old habits. Recently though, I believe that the holy spirit has been helping me along the way. He is the one that Lives inside of me. He is just as real as the things we see around us, no... He is realer than that.
The Kingdom of Heaven is upside down, in order to save your life, you must give it up. In order to receive, you must give. Show love instead of hate. Its so much better than the wicked ways of the world though. And we put to death the evil desires of the flesh, for we are new creatures in Christ.
I love this new life that is in me. I am a new person and I know that. I love Jesus, and I give all credit to him, for he has done a work in me so far beyond what I could have ever expected. He has filled the gap, and paid my debt.
I've taken several steps towards my new life with God. I want my hands to serve him, I want to dedicate my life to him. That's why I am going to Fulfill The Call. I've been so worried about getting there, I myself cannot hope to pay the funds, but, this is my decision. I know its in God's hands and I have complete faith in him.
I was thinking about that, I guess there is only one who can fill that void. Strange, that we procrastinate on reading the Bible, or praying, when He is the only one who can fill the gap. I'll wager that Satan is doing everything he can to cover our eyes to the truth.
I remember growing up, I would always do the worldly things, and even now as a Christian, I am just as susceptible to some of them. Its so hard to break old habits. Recently though, I believe that the holy spirit has been helping me along the way. He is the one that Lives inside of me. He is just as real as the things we see around us, no... He is realer than that.
The Kingdom of Heaven is upside down, in order to save your life, you must give it up. In order to receive, you must give. Show love instead of hate. Its so much better than the wicked ways of the world though. And we put to death the evil desires of the flesh, for we are new creatures in Christ.
I love this new life that is in me. I am a new person and I know that. I love Jesus, and I give all credit to him, for he has done a work in me so far beyond what I could have ever expected. He has filled the gap, and paid my debt.
I've taken several steps towards my new life with God. I want my hands to serve him, I want to dedicate my life to him. That's why I am going to Fulfill The Call. I've been so worried about getting there, I myself cannot hope to pay the funds, but, this is my decision. I know its in God's hands and I have complete faith in him.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Cool I Guess
Everything has setteled down, and right now i'm just a little bored. My Grandparents and Aunt Kim are over here. I'm not quite sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. but anyways. I tried using xanga... I really dont like the way they want you to pay for certain stuff. Its really pathetic. I can see where myspace excelled past them.
I'm about ready to get into reading right now..but It's kinda hard, everybody keeps making so much noise I cant hear myself think. I don't think it is a good idea to leave the house either, they came to visit.
Dillema's like this are always fun. I'm just hungry for something but I don't know what. Computer used to fill that hole for me, sort of, I could spend all day on the computer, but now my patience is limited. I have nothing to do on it. I'm not much into videogames either. Unless it has a good story line, I love games with story line. Action isn't all that important anymore either.
Its so cool to see how much I'm changing inside. Little bit weird eh? Its a very good thing though. I thank God everyday for opening up my eyes. I have so much to be thankful for, and I try to grow a little bit everyday.
I just got done playing ping pong versus my Aunt Kim, that was pretty fun. Well, yanno, everything in my life has calmed down. I gotta get my support letters out for FTC, I dont feel deserving to be there. It's like I should be putting forth 150% effort to get in there and i'm only giving like 50%. But I am really serious about it. So hard to get motivated. But I need this in my life, I want it more than anything right now.
I'm about ready to get into reading right now..but It's kinda hard, everybody keeps making so much noise I cant hear myself think. I don't think it is a good idea to leave the house either, they came to visit.
Dillema's like this are always fun. I'm just hungry for something but I don't know what. Computer used to fill that hole for me, sort of, I could spend all day on the computer, but now my patience is limited. I have nothing to do on it. I'm not much into videogames either. Unless it has a good story line, I love games with story line. Action isn't all that important anymore either.
Its so cool to see how much I'm changing inside. Little bit weird eh? Its a very good thing though. I thank God everyday for opening up my eyes. I have so much to be thankful for, and I try to grow a little bit everyday.
I just got done playing ping pong versus my Aunt Kim, that was pretty fun. Well, yanno, everything in my life has calmed down. I gotta get my support letters out for FTC, I dont feel deserving to be there. It's like I should be putting forth 150% effort to get in there and i'm only giving like 50%. But I am really serious about it. So hard to get motivated. But I need this in my life, I want it more than anything right now.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Ponder Ponder.
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
"I just don't love you anymore"
Men, throughout history, have noted that they are responsible to be head of the household. This isn't me saying it, it is in the Bible, and I believe it, to be the true, God Breathed, life changing, and heart cleansing miracle.
I have felt the pain of inferiority recently. When you believe you should be the leader, and you fail, its that kind of pain, it wont go away, and it wont leave you alone. After tonight, I can sort of see where my Dad is coming from. I mean, my mother has been the strong backbone of our family for many years now. My mother has character where he has none.
He doesn't even love himself anymore. He cant grow up, I pray for him still, but I have been lacking. Mom says it might not last much longer. I have never seen such strength.. Not only is she supporting the entire house financially, but we haven't really lost anything either... We are living entirely off of her finances, and were doing just fine. But I can see that she is struggling under the stress. She married him for life, thick and thin. She is so determined to see this through to the end, but.. whenever I see her I see the strength of God in her.
I've never had any Godly male influence in my life until I started going to CCH. But, my mom is strong. I hate it when people throw around these pretenses that women are inferior to men. I believe we were all created equal. A man loves his daughter just as much as a son right? So much more would God love his daughter as much as His Sons. We are all Daughters and Sons of God through Christ. But God did only have One Son, AMEN to that though.
It seems that in modern times, the male being the head of the household is often objected and viewed as sexist. I honestly don't know what to think of that, and I'm really confused in that area. I know what the bible says, and I believe that is how it should be. The Bible is the living breathing Word of God. But that's the thing, you have to understand everything in context, and I'm not sure I understand it fully.
I know that the model given is perfect. Women Submit to husbands. That has to be hard for any woman. But then the equally hard, men Love your wives just as Christ loved the church. WOW, Christ died for the church! So, Give it your everything, don't hold out.
So, how can Dad live with himself. He knows Mom is a Godly Character. Its like, Mom prevailed, Dad just failed. I know he knows that. He would have to admit his complete wrong, him being an idiot, hard headed, and the bad one. That's horrible! I have // am going through a scaled situation of this, and I'm not getting into specifics, but to lay yourself down, and admit wrong has got to be one of the hardest things on the planet to do. HA HA, no worries about pride after that... nothing to be proud about, I feel stripped of everything, and naked on the ground, beaten and bruised. I don't want anybody seeing me like this.
I can see where Dad is coming from. I guess the only thing I can do is pray.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
"I just don't love you anymore"
Men, throughout history, have noted that they are responsible to be head of the household. This isn't me saying it, it is in the Bible, and I believe it, to be the true, God Breathed, life changing, and heart cleansing miracle.
I have felt the pain of inferiority recently. When you believe you should be the leader, and you fail, its that kind of pain, it wont go away, and it wont leave you alone. After tonight, I can sort of see where my Dad is coming from. I mean, my mother has been the strong backbone of our family for many years now. My mother has character where he has none.
He doesn't even love himself anymore. He cant grow up, I pray for him still, but I have been lacking. Mom says it might not last much longer. I have never seen such strength.. Not only is she supporting the entire house financially, but we haven't really lost anything either... We are living entirely off of her finances, and were doing just fine. But I can see that she is struggling under the stress. She married him for life, thick and thin. She is so determined to see this through to the end, but.. whenever I see her I see the strength of God in her.
I've never had any Godly male influence in my life until I started going to CCH. But, my mom is strong. I hate it when people throw around these pretenses that women are inferior to men. I believe we were all created equal. A man loves his daughter just as much as a son right? So much more would God love his daughter as much as His Sons. We are all Daughters and Sons of God through Christ. But God did only have One Son, AMEN to that though.
It seems that in modern times, the male being the head of the household is often objected and viewed as sexist. I honestly don't know what to think of that, and I'm really confused in that area. I know what the bible says, and I believe that is how it should be. The Bible is the living breathing Word of God. But that's the thing, you have to understand everything in context, and I'm not sure I understand it fully.
I know that the model given is perfect. Women Submit to husbands. That has to be hard for any woman. But then the equally hard, men Love your wives just as Christ loved the church. WOW, Christ died for the church! So, Give it your everything, don't hold out.
So, how can Dad live with himself. He knows Mom is a Godly Character. Its like, Mom prevailed, Dad just failed. I know he knows that. He would have to admit his complete wrong, him being an idiot, hard headed, and the bad one. That's horrible! I have // am going through a scaled situation of this, and I'm not getting into specifics, but to lay yourself down, and admit wrong has got to be one of the hardest things on the planet to do. HA HA, no worries about pride after that... nothing to be proud about, I feel stripped of everything, and naked on the ground, beaten and bruised. I don't want anybody seeing me like this.
I can see where Dad is coming from. I guess the only thing I can do is pray.
Raft
Today the horrible wounds of yesterday are still there.. the swelling seems to have died down a bit.. Doctor says that the arm probably doesn't need amputation. Thats always a plus. It still hurts like junk anyways. I don't like to move it. But, I need to exercise it before the muscles in it turn to fat, and the arm itself becomes useless.
It was relatively peaceful today. I went white water rafting with my grandfather. 13 hour round trip. I think I will post some pictures up sooner or later. I had a good time doing it. Its kinda depressing though. The whole way home I was waiting in eager anticipation to see all of my friends, but its like nobody even noticed that I was gone.. Kinda sucked, and was a bit depressing, I'm hoping that somebody will sign on soon. Or actually i'm probably going to hang out with the kid across the street. My arm still hurts, I dont want to go too far away from home right now.
Anyways, I guess it wasn't that bad of an injury, I'm just giving it too much attention. I should probably just ignore it. I mean.. the arm can get over it eventually. It can heal, it should know i didn't do it on purpose... If it still thinks that, and it wont heal from the injury, amputation may be necessary.
It was relatively peaceful today. I went white water rafting with my grandfather. 13 hour round trip. I think I will post some pictures up sooner or later. I had a good time doing it. Its kinda depressing though. The whole way home I was waiting in eager anticipation to see all of my friends, but its like nobody even noticed that I was gone.. Kinda sucked, and was a bit depressing, I'm hoping that somebody will sign on soon. Or actually i'm probably going to hang out with the kid across the street. My arm still hurts, I dont want to go too far away from home right now.
Anyways, I guess it wasn't that bad of an injury, I'm just giving it too much attention. I should probably just ignore it. I mean.. the arm can get over it eventually. It can heal, it should know i didn't do it on purpose... If it still thinks that, and it wont heal from the injury, amputation may be necessary.
The Consequence
"don't let them see you for who you are"
"You don't have to tell him, just keep it secret he wont know."
"You don't have to show all of your faults...Just some of them.. accountability doesn't mean everything...Just the essentials..."
"Your not as good as him... You failed... He's much better than you"
"You know...You don't need to pray..as long as you just think of God"
"don't Lie to yourself...You cant break that habit of lust, you might go for a week, or maybe even a month... but sooner or later you will fall."
"Your friends can never know your secrets. Or they will despise you."
"Say good things? why, they can get over a Joke.. It didn't mean anything"
"hahaha... you can just wait till later to fix the problem... You know you need to do this now... why change?"
"You said a cussword... haha...everybody does it... and it was ever so small...and look everybody thinks your cool now."
"don't tell them about God, its too hard...you can do it later...perhaps when your in better standing with God.. or even better...someone else can do it."
"God is mad with you... your prayers wont be answered."
The DEVIL has gotten through me. and I feel I have failed...
Sin is Real and so are the consequences. COVER SIN UP AND IT BLOWS UP!
I have much to say about this now... and most of this message is to myself for letting things get out of hand...and putting the blame on other people when It belongs only to myself. I let my best friend.. I let him down... I wasn't there... and I kept lying to myself... Not all of it was satan...some of it must have been me...
I was too prideful. I was too ashamed to come into the light.. and now everything has blown up. Its a disaster. I don't even know if everything will be fine in the end... but Now... my pride has been broken, shattered into many pieces. I am broken. for I was the fool.
I look to the future now with new hope. That I may be forgiven, by God first of all, but also by that of friends, one in particular. I allowed jealousy, anger, and pride to blind me. Then I did not see it as wrong.. I didn't know any better, and the Bible says somewhere... I've read It, I know it...I think its somewhere in Romans... that the law serves to show us what we have done wrong, those who know not what they do have not sinned. (something like that more or less). So, now that I do know that it is wrong.. I'm going to do my absolute best to keep from it again.. and lean on God's infinite strength rather than my own.
My worst fears have come to pass tonight.
I am still just as susceptible to this as I was before. But now I pray against it and lean on God's strength to guide me through it. I love God with all my heart, and want to serve him with all of my life. I am so grateful that He gave His Only Son to die for us, so that we may be saved through him. I am saved no matter how much a sinner... and I'm absolutely pathetic, because all sin is equal in the eyes of the Lord God almighty. But he still died for us, he made a way, and its a free gift! I accept! I ACCEPT.. Who wouldn't its so awesome.
I with renewed strength will become stronger in my walk with Christ. And will pursue this relationship more intensely. As God the Shepard will lead my path. Thy Rod and Staff comfort me.
"You don't have to tell him, just keep it secret he wont know."
"You don't have to show all of your faults...Just some of them.. accountability doesn't mean everything...Just the essentials..."
"Your not as good as him... You failed... He's much better than you"
"You know...You don't need to pray..as long as you just think of God"
"don't Lie to yourself...You cant break that habit of lust, you might go for a week, or maybe even a month... but sooner or later you will fall."
"Your friends can never know your secrets. Or they will despise you."
"Say good things? why, they can get over a Joke.. It didn't mean anything"
"hahaha... you can just wait till later to fix the problem... You know you need to do this now... why change?"
"You said a cussword... haha...everybody does it... and it was ever so small...and look everybody thinks your cool now."
"don't tell them about God, its too hard...you can do it later...perhaps when your in better standing with God.. or even better...someone else can do it."
"God is mad with you... your prayers wont be answered."
The DEVIL has gotten through me. and I feel I have failed...
Sin is Real and so are the consequences. COVER SIN UP AND IT BLOWS UP!
I have much to say about this now... and most of this message is to myself for letting things get out of hand...and putting the blame on other people when It belongs only to myself. I let my best friend.. I let him down... I wasn't there... and I kept lying to myself... Not all of it was satan...some of it must have been me...
I was too prideful. I was too ashamed to come into the light.. and now everything has blown up. Its a disaster. I don't even know if everything will be fine in the end... but Now... my pride has been broken, shattered into many pieces. I am broken. for I was the fool.
I look to the future now with new hope. That I may be forgiven, by God first of all, but also by that of friends, one in particular. I allowed jealousy, anger, and pride to blind me. Then I did not see it as wrong.. I didn't know any better, and the Bible says somewhere... I've read It, I know it...I think its somewhere in Romans... that the law serves to show us what we have done wrong, those who know not what they do have not sinned. (something like that more or less). So, now that I do know that it is wrong.. I'm going to do my absolute best to keep from it again.. and lean on God's infinite strength rather than my own.
My worst fears have come to pass tonight.
- To Be seen as stupid
- To be looked down upon and scorned
- To loose(or alienate) my best friend.
- To be seen as I am, in my worst most naked state.
I am still just as susceptible to this as I was before. But now I pray against it and lean on God's strength to guide me through it. I love God with all my heart, and want to serve him with all of my life. I am so grateful that He gave His Only Son to die for us, so that we may be saved through him. I am saved no matter how much a sinner... and I'm absolutely pathetic, because all sin is equal in the eyes of the Lord God almighty. But he still died for us, he made a way, and its a free gift! I accept! I ACCEPT.. Who wouldn't its so awesome.
I with renewed strength will become stronger in my walk with Christ. And will pursue this relationship more intensely. As God the Shepard will lead my path. Thy Rod and Staff comfort me.
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