I believe In God, and I believe that Jesus christ has paid for my sins. It hurts to acknowlege it, but, I keep falling short. I want so much to be like Jesus, but I just keep falling into the same temptation over and over again. It is destroying me and I cant stand it at all. I really hate myself for it at times.
Some times I know I have the power to resist, but I dont. Is my character flawed. I've been struggling to overcome this for over 2 years. I have almost given up hope. But I know that God is testing me through this. I guess its a good thing, but I really just want it out of my life for good.
I feel inadequate as a christian most of the time. I can't do anything right. I'm lazy and no good. I'm a pathetic excuse for a man in general. In terms of self confidence, I am all over the richter scale. Some times I feel that I can do anything, I have faith, I am walking in obedience, and I am constantly learning. Most of the time that isn't the case, there is this constant divider between Me, and God.
I believe that God is going to move in me during FTC. I feel that this is where God has called me to be, and I know that I need to be there. I so much want a change in my character.
I also know that God is loving, and forgives me even when I don't forgive myself. All that I have to do is Confess and repent. well anyways. God is amazing, and I know that if I continually seek him, I will become more like him and in his image.
Now if I can get a consistant devotional time.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Yesterday
Wow, Yesterday was such an awesome day. Not one moment to take a breather. Lets see. Woke up at 10:30, got dressed and ready for six flags. Picked up one of my friend, and went to six flags. We had a great time up there. That loop in the Superman is like the best loop in the entire theme park.
We rode the scorcher two times in 5 minutes. That line was extremely short, and the ride is great. I think we should go back and ride the same ride over and over and over and over. Yanno, you would definitely get your money's worth by doing it. Hitting the same ride tons of times is the way to go, if it is a short line.
Anyways, we got home and played Tennis, as usual. That was fun, and hard work. After that was unite worship. It looks like I'll be in technical arts now, so, I probably wont be seeing nearly as much of my friends as I would like to. But that is where I feel God is calling me now, and I know his will is the best. I'll follow him even through the pain.
I didn't even really get to hear what the message was at unite, wish I did. But I did catch a lot of key elements, and have applied them to my life. I practically started my own little self myth buster session. Its all in my head, but its a good thing no? haha.
After that, Chris, Nathan & I were all invited over to the Peterson's. That was so much fun. The little ones were all swimming in the pool. I love to be around kids. There so much fun. Anyways, Chris got thrown into the pool by Nathan and lee. So, I jumped in right after him...To ummm...make him not feel so bad..or alone. So I got to hang out too.. Anyways, I think I accidently hurt Anna... I felt so terrible after doing that (Anna if your reading this... I'm very sorry, I couldn't sleep at night because of that)
Other than that, elof kept jumping on me and trying to drown me... So I just played along to make him think he was stronger. It was pretty cool. That pool is awesome at night, all lit up and stuff. I cant think of a better place to be at then the Peterson's...besides the church of course. Even then...the peterson family makes up like half the church.
Well anyways, Jenna got upset that we were in the pool. She said her father would probably be mad and not like that...so Chris and I kinda panicked and got out... I was wondering why he wasn't out yelling yet... and then...we started joking about it. He gave us both these really cool shirts. He obviously had a lot of them..but Chris and I were like..Oh no, he's one of those super nice people when he is angry..This is creepy..what do we dooo...ack...oh no..
We weren't completely serious, but we were having fun. Mr. Peterson eventually called me out to tell me that he wasn't angry. Made me feel a whole lot better since I look up to the guy.
Well anyways, I have been inside this prison all stinkin day. I love working on the computer and designing layouts, and whatever else I did today, but... um...I need to go outside and experience Gods awesome creation.. Nature beats technology in every way. So later people.
We rode the scorcher two times in 5 minutes. That line was extremely short, and the ride is great. I think we should go back and ride the same ride over and over and over and over. Yanno, you would definitely get your money's worth by doing it. Hitting the same ride tons of times is the way to go, if it is a short line.
Anyways, we got home and played Tennis, as usual. That was fun, and hard work. After that was unite worship. It looks like I'll be in technical arts now, so, I probably wont be seeing nearly as much of my friends as I would like to. But that is where I feel God is calling me now, and I know his will is the best. I'll follow him even through the pain.
I didn't even really get to hear what the message was at unite, wish I did. But I did catch a lot of key elements, and have applied them to my life. I practically started my own little self myth buster session. Its all in my head, but its a good thing no? haha.
After that, Chris, Nathan & I were all invited over to the Peterson's. That was so much fun. The little ones were all swimming in the pool. I love to be around kids. There so much fun. Anyways, Chris got thrown into the pool by Nathan and lee. So, I jumped in right after him...To ummm...make him not feel so bad..or alone. So I got to hang out too.. Anyways, I think I accidently hurt Anna... I felt so terrible after doing that (Anna if your reading this... I'm very sorry, I couldn't sleep at night because of that)
Other than that, elof kept jumping on me and trying to drown me... So I just played along to make him think he was stronger. It was pretty cool. That pool is awesome at night, all lit up and stuff. I cant think of a better place to be at then the Peterson's...besides the church of course. Even then...the peterson family makes up like half the church.
Well anyways, Jenna got upset that we were in the pool. She said her father would probably be mad and not like that...so Chris and I kinda panicked and got out... I was wondering why he wasn't out yelling yet... and then...we started joking about it. He gave us both these really cool shirts. He obviously had a lot of them..but Chris and I were like..Oh no, he's one of those super nice people when he is angry..This is creepy..what do we dooo...ack...oh no..
We weren't completely serious, but we were having fun. Mr. Peterson eventually called me out to tell me that he wasn't angry. Made me feel a whole lot better since I look up to the guy.
Well anyways, I have been inside this prison all stinkin day. I love working on the computer and designing layouts, and whatever else I did today, but... um...I need to go outside and experience Gods awesome creation.. Nature beats technology in every way. So later people.
Unite
I'm know that the service last night was annointed and awesome, but I didn't hear any of it. I was learning to manage the sound board, so I had to pay attention to Karl. I learned some things about God while I was up there, and He spoke to me specifically.
Before last night, I would commit sin, and I would be so ready to break free, but I never believed that I could do it myself. I have failed so many times. "Devon," I told myself, "perhaps the next service, there is going to be a miracle, something dramatic, just wait, and you'll be set free tommorrow." Tommorrow never came. But last night, I learned, first hand, that it is my responsibility to be willing to let God shape me. Every time I sin, I know that I can ask God to intervene, and sometimes I do, but not all the time. I know I am only human. But as far as devotionals, I have learned, that I dont have to wait untill church in order to make a move on God.
I know that being with the technical arts is hard work, and many responsibilities are given.I am going to loose many of the things I love the most about being in CCH. I wont get to be with my friends nearly as much. I am required to be up there, earlier, so the lobby time is greatly diminished. Not to mention, its like I loose my worship time completely. A burning desire to be a part of what is happening in the service fills me as I sit overlooking what is happening. Its not very fun, but it is serious.
It doesn't look like I'll get to do warehouse kids anymore either, I was really looking forward to that, because I so strongly love to be around kids. Ugh, its a bummer. God has spoken to me about it, and I know that this is the direction he wants me to take. He wants to build my character, and I need to learn some new "tricks". I find that knowledge is power, and I know that being in technical arts, especially around Karl, I am going to learn many new things that will help me out greatly later on in life.
There is a sense of accomplishment, and there are some moments where you can give yourself a pat on the back, because you know inside that you have made a difference. I have given up many different paths in light of this new one, I feel God has directed me here for a purpose, and I have decided to take it, no matter how painful it is to me right now, I'm trusting in God, I believe that his plan for me is best.
Before last night, I would commit sin, and I would be so ready to break free, but I never believed that I could do it myself. I have failed so many times. "Devon," I told myself, "perhaps the next service, there is going to be a miracle, something dramatic, just wait, and you'll be set free tommorrow." Tommorrow never came. But last night, I learned, first hand, that it is my responsibility to be willing to let God shape me. Every time I sin, I know that I can ask God to intervene, and sometimes I do, but not all the time. I know I am only human. But as far as devotionals, I have learned, that I dont have to wait untill church in order to make a move on God.
I know that being with the technical arts is hard work, and many responsibilities are given.I am going to loose many of the things I love the most about being in CCH. I wont get to be with my friends nearly as much. I am required to be up there, earlier, so the lobby time is greatly diminished. Not to mention, its like I loose my worship time completely. A burning desire to be a part of what is happening in the service fills me as I sit overlooking what is happening. Its not very fun, but it is serious.
It doesn't look like I'll get to do warehouse kids anymore either, I was really looking forward to that, because I so strongly love to be around kids. Ugh, its a bummer. God has spoken to me about it, and I know that this is the direction he wants me to take. He wants to build my character, and I need to learn some new "tricks". I find that knowledge is power, and I know that being in technical arts, especially around Karl, I am going to learn many new things that will help me out greatly later on in life.
There is a sense of accomplishment, and there are some moments where you can give yourself a pat on the back, because you know inside that you have made a difference. I have given up many different paths in light of this new one, I feel God has directed me here for a purpose, and I have decided to take it, no matter how painful it is to me right now, I'm trusting in God, I believe that his plan for me is best.
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