Its 5 am now, I just finished my last post. I had planned to continue it to here, but It seemed that the other post needed to be concluded as this is a complete topic shift. I covered most the serious stuff in that. Now I just cant sleep, and am thinking back to my high school days. I have been playing halo 3 all night trying to finish the campaign.
It reminds me of playing halo in mr smarts class. Life was so simple back then. I know I probably say this alot, but I'm pretty sure this is one of the most stressful times in a regular Americans life. Thats Just america Now. I learned some extremely deperessing statistics at the New Years Conference I attended. Of the world population only .6% will ever attend college. only 66% can even read. The world is not rich Like we americans tend to believe. I dont see how we can look right on passed the issue of poverty. Did you know that if americans spent 10% of what we spend every year for christmas, we could easily solve the worlds hunger problems, and implement long lasting systems of hunting and gathering and what not... I consider myself greatly blessed to be exactly where I am.
I only Pray that God opens my eyes more and more to the problems in the world, and If Jesus tarries, I would Like for him to lead me to help in some way.
I miss high school...I love college... Miss FTC... Need to look forward more, but i think what I hate most is loosing friends, as time moves along and lifes journey leads us elsewhere. I take it to heart greatly when I loose a friend, especially because of life.
I'm tired, its 5 am...I have church at 9... need sleep..and think i have gotten everything off from my mind.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
The Stressed Nostalgic
Here I am again. It is 4 am. Last time I wrote to you, it was the last day of the semester. Many things have happened then, and many more things have happened now. I think I'll start off with some good news, I did well on that final, or, perhaps I did well enough to give me a passing grade in the class. Not only that, but Through the grace of God, I even managed to pass that computer science class, which I was sure beyond the shadow of a doubt I had failed. So my mother and I check my grades, and I have a 3.0 GPA. Wow! I'm off on a good run for hope again.
Throughout the break, I have had serious doubts about me being able to get admitted back in. for one, thinking of myself as a failure has had me seriously stressed and disheartened. For instance, I have had some class scheduling issues, serious class scheduling issues. I got advised and was unaware that I had to sign up for the classes on banweb, so then i redid it, and had a really junky schedule afterwards, getting second pick on everything. Next they delete that schedule the next day, because we had not paid on time.
So I am stressing over this the whole winter break, add to the top of it, I always feel like I am probably one of the worst people on the planet..(This is simply because One: I probably take things way too seriously if I hurt somebodies feelings, or wrong them, and Two: this whole lust issue burns so deep in to my soul, I want to cry about it every day).
So you take those stresses and compound it with a guys natural drive to get married, and feeling inadequate, especially since the Girl I believe in the most is so afraid of me, and that it is my fault, for this entire situation. Honestly though I cant even think of her anymore, it brings up way too much pain, and I am stressed enough as it is. Perhaps I am wrong but I am nearly positive that I am correct, but I believe that I am too spiritually immature, that to be in a relationship with her anyways, would be a disadvantage to her, because it would be unequally yoked.
The words, "I am Just not Good enough", echo throughout the deep corridors of my mind, the chambers of my heart reverberate deep feelings of inadequacy, and the pangs of sorrow and regret consume my mind like a fire
I have a hope for me in the road ahead, whatever character flaws I have now, I Will have plenty of time to have God work them out in me over the summer during beach project. I have sort of mixed feelings about this. I know for sure that it is Gods will for me, but I know it is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. 10 weeks away from all of my family, going to a place where I don't know anybody at all, working my tail off with a 40+hr job, typical 9-5, with many seminars in the evenings and very little free time. Yeah, Gods definitely leading me there, I just know this is going to hurt.
I recently went on conference with many of the people who are going to do beach project. It was exciting, and God moved on my heart, It was painful, to have things go so deep, as I've said to many of my friends asking about it, I compared it to surgery removing a deadly cancer. Yeah it doesn't feel good, but it will save your life.
Anyways I get back to my home town on a spiritual high, speed off to my church, pray with people and do the thing, go to church and am real excited, and then go home, and let the whole lust thing dominate me... and now I feel like I am total trash not worthy of anything...Sure even on the spiritual High, I have nothing more to offer God but dirty rags. And really I am just as wicked, even, and whatever on the spiritual high. But This is NOT where I want to be...I want to hear Gods voice, I want to follow his will, I want to share his heart and see things at least in some part the way he sees them.
Throughout the break, I have had serious doubts about me being able to get admitted back in. for one, thinking of myself as a failure has had me seriously stressed and disheartened. For instance, I have had some class scheduling issues, serious class scheduling issues. I got advised and was unaware that I had to sign up for the classes on banweb, so then i redid it, and had a really junky schedule afterwards, getting second pick on everything. Next they delete that schedule the next day, because we had not paid on time.
So I am stressing over this the whole winter break, add to the top of it, I always feel like I am probably one of the worst people on the planet..(This is simply because One: I probably take things way too seriously if I hurt somebodies feelings, or wrong them, and Two: this whole lust issue burns so deep in to my soul, I want to cry about it every day).
So you take those stresses and compound it with a guys natural drive to get married, and feeling inadequate, especially since the Girl I believe in the most is so afraid of me, and that it is my fault, for this entire situation. Honestly though I cant even think of her anymore, it brings up way too much pain, and I am stressed enough as it is. Perhaps I am wrong but I am nearly positive that I am correct, but I believe that I am too spiritually immature, that to be in a relationship with her anyways, would be a disadvantage to her, because it would be unequally yoked.
The words, "I am Just not Good enough", echo throughout the deep corridors of my mind, the chambers of my heart reverberate deep feelings of inadequacy, and the pangs of sorrow and regret consume my mind like a fire
I have a hope for me in the road ahead, whatever character flaws I have now, I Will have plenty of time to have God work them out in me over the summer during beach project. I have sort of mixed feelings about this. I know for sure that it is Gods will for me, but I know it is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. 10 weeks away from all of my family, going to a place where I don't know anybody at all, working my tail off with a 40+hr job, typical 9-5, with many seminars in the evenings and very little free time. Yeah, Gods definitely leading me there, I just know this is going to hurt.
I recently went on conference with many of the people who are going to do beach project. It was exciting, and God moved on my heart, It was painful, to have things go so deep, as I've said to many of my friends asking about it, I compared it to surgery removing a deadly cancer. Yeah it doesn't feel good, but it will save your life.
Anyways I get back to my home town on a spiritual high, speed off to my church, pray with people and do the thing, go to church and am real excited, and then go home, and let the whole lust thing dominate me... and now I feel like I am total trash not worthy of anything...Sure even on the spiritual High, I have nothing more to offer God but dirty rags. And really I am just as wicked, even, and whatever on the spiritual high. But This is NOT where I want to be...I want to hear Gods voice, I want to follow his will, I want to share his heart and see things at least in some part the way he sees them.
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