Everything I have done so far is either been me trying to get closer to god, or going my own way, or apologizing for doing the wrong thing. For the most part, I would have to say that everything within the passed 19 years has been the last two options. Its hard to say how much I really move for God. Maybe perhaps those times when I convince myself I am moving towards God, I am in fact moving towards my own personal ambitions, perhaps trying to clear my conscience, perhaps to feel good about myself, or maybe to impress somebody, that might perhaps be of the opposite gender.
It brings me to question myself lately. I cant see who I am in the mirror. I cannot tell who I am inside, beyond the appearance. Do I truly love God, or do I Love people thinking I am a good person. I can no longer find my reason in life. For the longest time, I lived to get through high school, and I lived to please my parents. Now in near independence of my parents, and being of age I realize the scope of my life, and how small and insignificant I am to the world. I realize how easily I can die, or how quickly it can happen.
How can I care what others think of me, when I dont even know what I think of myself. I miss simplicity. I miss my old friends. I miss slacking off in mr smarts class, while we were supposed to be doing online course work and playing videogames instead. I miss getting into trouble for not doing homework, I miss having a curfew. I miss being in school 7 hours a day and getting to meet new friends. I miss not having to worry about why I am here, but just existing, as if there were no other reason to be there. To me then there was no higher purpose.
Oh the days when I had less on my mind, and nothing to worry about. Those days when I was so consumed in the girl of my dreams, or finding the one I was supposed to be with. Is there even a such thing as predestination such as that. Or does it even matter, after all, a soulmate still is temporary. How fleeting our lives are, and how meaningless. We toil day and night, and work as hard as we can, to survive, to feed ourselves, without food, we die. You would think growing up as a kid, there is no way we could ever run out of food, at least thats the conception in america. Being in college you study how things are done and I soon realize how easily the economy could crumble, and our “marvelous” society could quickly become third world with people scavenging for food.
You see, Most people dont think upon these things, its unpleasant and it leaves one with a sense of helplessness, and weakness. We can die just as easily as the dead roadkill you passed on the road home...Yes my friend that could be you. When we die, we are remembered for a few days by our closest friends, a few weeks by or family, and forever by our immediate family, even then, their lives will continue on without us. We are trapped in an endless cycle of life and death.
Days like today really suck. Here I am at 4:11 in the morning, I have to wake up at 8, to take my precalc final, and I could fail the class. I cant sleep, I'm ready to get out of this jail cell of a college, go home to simplicity, where I can loose myself in programming, servers, and creating networks, watching movies, and being around those who actually care about me.
Got home and roomate basically wanted me out of the room, and being what I needed to do, instead of talking to him ( he can be eaten by a hamster for all I care), I went to my friend George, who is also an RA for counseling. He had to document what roomie had done, its just procedure. What do I care though I did what I could.
Long story short I did what I thought was right, and then I learn that I am a coward, and not a man. Hes just mad, he says i'm jealous, but seriously I'm not jealous of him. I hate when he calls himself righteous, and says that God is on his side. I doubt it, the jerk, hes always a complete bunghole to me and treats me like the dirt under his shoe.
But it did make me think about the one girl I actually do like, and how now she is going out with my closest friend. I dont think I can be on a talking level with him anymore. I forgive him as I dont blame him for doing what he has done. We are both human, but as such , a human, I dont think I have ever been hurt so bad as this, and do not wish to continue being his friend. But god bless him in everything he does, because he has been a man I could trust, and I love him as my little brother, but its just too much for me.
I feel very inadequate, I couldn't talk to her at all. I have caused all the troubles in my life, and my heart burns for her so much. I love her, or do I love the concept of being with her... I still belive God had told me that it was her I was to marry, If thats still true, my lord, please release my heart to follow your will, I am in too much pain and hurt, and complete sadness and solitude. Its times like these I feel that I am in complete solitude, the only other person looking after me is my mother.
I miss having friends that I can count on. I miss my child hood, I miss being close to God. And I miss home. Get me out of this Jail Cell of a college dorm room. I leave as early as I can tomorrow, no matter how tired I am I am getting the Heck out of here. I'm tired of studying and cramming for my final, which I feel that I am going to fail today..
Anyways, I think my mind is somewhat clear....
It still burns with passion for the girl, but thats always been there, and I think I can learn to ignore it, its just so much harder at night, to know that I have no chance at all anymore, she is going out with my friend... I feel so betrayed, him of all people did that to me, and he would be the one I would trust in, to help get me through this situation... I am left with Nothing, and I am empty.
I haven't cried in over 4 years...and I dont think I can, because If I am not crying now, I dont think I will ever cry again.
Oh help me Lord...Deliver Me from my enemies. Take me under your wing and shelter me from this horrible storm father. I am in a barren land, and my enemies stand poised at my borders, ready to attack. Lift your hand, take me back to you, where I can once again see your face and have fellowship with you.
