As an individual, I find myself in a fascinating new place in Gods plan for my life. He has made it abundantly clear to me, that even though I have messed up, I am still his child, and his plans are to prosper me. I'm finally seeing the light of day after 4 months of stormy gloomy weather, and overcast skys. Its like winter is finally over and the forest is starting to bear fruit once again after a deep slumber. Its something thats so very hard to describe, but I am so very thankful to Jesus for restoring my fellowship with God. I'm beginning to see his plan take root and its very exciting.
I miss bekki alot. I don't know if she is going to be my life partner anymore. I know she is an amazing woman, and I really do love her. I just don't know how much she even wants to be with me. I think honestly, that she loves me, but does not want to be with me like that anymore, and wants somebody a little more interesting or something along those lines. She is so hard to read, every time we get the opportunity to talk, she either ignores me, or is overwhelmingly negative about something, or shoots down what I say.
I want everything to work between her and I, but when we can talk again in another 3 1/2 months, I want us to go to counseling. She is extremely stubborn, and I think she believes I am too. I usually am quick to admit when I am wrong, and want to repair the relationship fast, but I think counseling is the only way we will ever understand one another.
I have become so much stronger after making the mistake I made. I'm no longer dependant on anybody but jesus. Or i truely want to be able to say that with greater accuracy later on down the road.
Today is one of those days I consider a mile marker. Tomorrow I wake up for work at 7 am, and its 2:17 am right now. But considering its a day i'm going to look back upon and be all super nostalgic, I might as well have some memories to go with it. I called Chris around 10 pm, askin if he wanted to go for a walk.. well we went for a walk, ended up pickin up jackson after spying on him outside his window and talking to him on the phone at the same time.. It was so funny, chris and I were laughing so hard. I'm somewhat afraid of jacksons mom. I found a snail in Jacksons yard, and put it on my cellphone, then put it on my car's front window and drove to mcdonalds. Chris,Jackson and I all played around in the kids play area in the mcdonalds on highway 5 at like 1 am in the morning. Good times.
Earlier throughout the day, Aunt Kim came over, Melba and Max ran all over the house all day. And we watched Heroes. Literally Mom and I watched 10 full episodes of heroes. I think I got her addicted, but its fun to watch.
Anyways, I am seriously anxious about cloudburst, but thank you Jesus, that you have given me this opportunity to serve you in this capacity. You lifted me up out of my depression from college. You knew I never thought I would find success and you have given me so much more blessing than I ever could have imagined.
You have blessed my abilities with computers. and even now, as i type this, I can't help but think back to the first blogs I wrote while sitting on omega II, or old blue as I refer to it these days. (Sadly bekki killed old blue....or her house did)
And since you have blessed me so much.. Jesus, I ask just one simple thing. I ask for the relationship between bekki and I to be restored. At least to where we can understand one another, see eye to eye, and there actually be love between us, and if she wants to leave me for the rest of her life then there be understanding and strength on my part to let her go. Or enough fight in me to not be jealous and fight to get her back.
God I ask that you heal my insecurities so that I may know the truth about what I am in your eyes, in light of what scripture says about me, instead of seeing myself through satan's mirror as I do so often. And I pray that I may stay dedicated to you while working at cloudburst, and whatever jobs may come after..
