Love
Powerful words. There is much confusion in my heart. And pain. Its like half the time I don't even understand who I am anymore. My character is constantly being tested. My heart is pushed to the limit, ready to break. On the outside I am strong, but inside I crumble.
Lets Go over specifics. What is bothering me the most is Jenna. It startled me this morning while I was sort of dozing in church. Yeah, thats right, really tired, and I was doing audio. But this thought came in my head. Jenna had done something wrong to me, and hurt me, but I said, I love her no matter what. How the heck, and why did that get into my head. I don't want that in there. I want her to be just a friend and nothing more.
One thing, It would look horribly bad If I started to like her. Another thing is that my best friend likes her. They like eachother. They sort of have this relationship thing going on. It's a bit confusing to me though. But really, I love her as a friend. I really don't want to loose her as a friend, and I most certainly don't want to hurt Chris. Two of the biggest fears in my life come to play in this scenario. Oh not to mention she's like 14! Oh the legalities. The family would
hate me.
I keep thinking stupid thoughts that God is trying to cultivate a relationship between us. That He is using the barriers of "just friends" to grow us together. I guess you can say I'm attracted to her personality. But no, I'm not going to say that, because, I like her as a friend! Ugh, Get out Satan, in Jesus' holy mighty name!
I have created several barriers on my heart, that I must hold up at all costs, or risk personal destruction the likes of which I have never felt before. I mean for real I genuinely like to have Jenna as a friend, I don't want anything more. I guess the deepest desires of my heart would like something there. I guess it's just because she knows me and I know her. That's something I've never shared with another girl before. So what I am feeling can't be real. It's just a big joke. I need to just forget about it, and learn to love her as a friend.
Oh, another defense mechanism I have seen in myself is, when the alarms are raised in my brain, and the sirens start buzzing, because whenever stuff like that about Jenna comes up, everything just goes bezerk, and my instinct is to flee, and get out of the situation, or use extreme caution in my thoughts, I immediately divert the energy to Nicole, or, since lack thereof, Brooke. I thought brooch's role in my life had been completed long ago, but now its coming back as a sort of defense mechanism. Why is it that my feelings are always branched out in a triangle.
Ugh, the stress is just everywhere, I feel horrible. I really like Nicole, and I feel I am being disloyal to her, myself, her family, my family, and Most importantly, GOD, when I think about others. I want to wait for her to get back, because I really believe God put her in my life for a reason, I just don't know what.
Then there is Noelle, I am not allowed to like her because I like Nicole. That would be uncharacteristic of a strong person, and I must be strong. I have to fortify! Must be strong. I don't want to fall into that trap. So now Jenna is out of
the way, nothing more than just a friend. Put up guards around yourself when your around her, or dealing with situations that involve her. It's not even an option. Don't covet another man's wife, lets just treat it like that. Phew, that feels alot
better. And noelle, not an option either. Don't even pursue it, if God wants you to have that, make sure that it has to be a work from him, by not lifting a finger of my own to make it happen. That's something I learned from reading a tale of three kings.
I keep getting tempted to talk to Brooke too, because I think she might be interested in me now. Prideful maybe, but I could see her looking at me after I played my part in the skit at G5. That was a look of shock, and... That felt the best
out of everything that happened, at least regarding compliments. It's like I want a relationship with her too. HA SATAN! I was never so tempted before FTC, now you show nothing but fruit I cannot have. HA, In the name of my Lord and savior, let he rebuke that in my life, not I, for I know not his will. It seems Brooke is the most possible solution now, ironically. Nicole is just way too good, and high for me to obtain. I guess I originally thought I should strive for the best, and never have to wonder. I guess I can admittedly say that Nicole is the best. In my mind alone, everyone is just as important to God.
I really hate my weak and feeble human heart. It is too feeble, and fickle. It changes its mind too often, it is not constant, it is not reliable, and it is hell bent on destroying itself. Without God's intervention, it would have died. I gotta
stay connected to God's life support tube, or my heart will sputter out and die, for it has not the power to hold itself together. It is at war with itself. A house divided.
I cannot live on my own. I need Jesus, as my Lord, and savior, and the light to my feet. Well Goodnight listener, its 11:23, and I need to be in bed. I guess you can stay in tune for my next issue... FTC issues.
I don't know if I am going to show this to either Jenna or Chris as I write this. It will take much prayer. I will not modify this as I go. It is what it is. My deepest darkest secrets. My wicked, twisted, and confused, human heart. And the dark fruit that comes from it. This is who I am inside. The thoughts and paragraphs are there as they came out in my head. There are no revisions, no editing. Heck not even a spell check. I'm sealing this up on my computer, then transferring to my blog. This is the kind of stuff that really hurts to show. If your reading this...
Chris....
Heck maybe... even Jenna... If Jenna is reading this, I probably made a stupid mistake, and blurted it out quick before I gave myself time to think.
Don't turn from me. I need you guys more than anything.
no... no... I don't think I'm going to show this to anyone, perhaps maybe one in ftc, and no more. This is what has been bothering me. This is what has been keeping me awake to the late hours of the night. This is what haunts me as I work in the fields. Who am I really. Everybody thinks I'm a good person. I'm really not. Well I think everybody sees me as a good person. I'm only human.
Goodnight for real... 11:32
