To be honest with you. I am in more pain than I ever remember going through. I don't know how to let it out. I don't know why God is letting this happen to me, and I often wonder what I did to deserve this. I think I try to do everything in my life that glorifies God.
I mean I love this girl I really do. I love to be around her, I love her personality, but her past rips my heart in shreds. So does true love ever care about the past? No, the bible says that love keeps no record of wrongs, yet here I am tallying down her faults. Love is not selfish yet everything I do is completely self centered. Love does not boast, it is not easily angered. I mean just looking at 1 Corinthians 13 I realize that there is no love in me, just simple infatuation and pain.
To be honest I don't want anybody else except for her, however, I want her without all that yuckie past. Is it my job to look passed all of this? I have no idea what I am doing, and I make all the wrong movies and I'm completely stuck in this sin rut.
I feel like no matter what I do I am going to hurt her and I don't want to do that. She has been through so so much stuff in her life, that I just feel that is completely unfair. I mean she should never have had to go through that. She is too young, too innocent, and kind and just...deserves so much more than all of that. I mean i feel like she deserves so much more than I have to offer her..She needs a guy without doubts, somebody who is going to protect her, and love her no matter what.
So then I start to think, as I look at that mirror. How are my sins any different than hers? They pull me away from God just as much. I am just as broken in front of the lord, but not in my heart. I categorize my sins. I think all of this doubt comes from my self deception, and believing I am somehow different when I am not.
Any relationship is going to have its struggles, and these struggles offer us opportunities to draw closer to one another, and to work through something rough with somebody builds a relationship to stronger unprecedented levels, and can quickly advance things if they trust you. Maybe that is what happened. At this moment in my life, I am in more need of Gods guidance and direction than at any time before. Just help me Jesus.. Help me to see her the way you do. Help me to see myself the way you do. Help me to just see you!
