I am so glad that God is in this world. As a man, a human, i'm inevitably subject to sin, and I do admit that I have a ton of struggles, things that I am trying to get right with God. And it breaks my heart every time I fall, and I'm there before God, knowing that it breaks his heart, because the sin comes in between us. But I know even aside from all that, that God loves me, and is for me, and has already paid the price for me.
Now that said, we know that I am a man, with many faults, but like king David, you know the one...mentioned in the bible, God even said he was a man after his own heart. Wow, so this guy must really be something right? I mean, for him to be a man after God's own heart, he's gotta be some kind of perfect.
Not true at all. David made some pretty big mistakes, take the incident with Bathsheba for instance, he killed her husband, after getting her to cheat on him. So, murder and adultery right there. But David, when confronted with his sin repented. So thats all we really have to do... Now in no way am I saying blatantly sin, and then repent, It doesn't work like that, for reasons I don't have time to discuss here. But really, God sent his Son to die for us, to pay the penalty.
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Wow, really didn't plan to say any of that, but I guess its just whats on my heart. I really wanted to get serious and dive into some situations thats going on in my life....first of all...there is this absolutely beautiful Girl, I love her to death, and she means the world to me.
Now thats great, beautiful girl...everybody must find one some day or another. but actually, thats not even what got me to look in her direction. I know every man looks at beauty (including me), its in our nature. its her passion for God, and her maturity. I really want that in my life to a much greater degree than I have now... because right now, its so tainted by all kinds of mess the world puts on it, and things that I give into.
Perhaps its a desperate hope, and the tactic of doing everything possible to build an environment for my heart to grow and mature. I'm trying to surround myself with everything positive, everything that is a catalyst for growth, because I can't do it on my own, and I'm sick of not having a deep relationship with God that I see my friends having. I've tasted bits and peices of it, but it comes and goes...I know there are dry seasons, but this isn't that sort of thing, its not a feeling, its knowing that I am growing further, backsliding in otherwords.
Now there is alot of stuff outside of God that I want to be with her for. but I think it is a part of his plan. he certainly didn't create me to be alone. I dont know how to explain what I feel, but i'm ready to move on, and get married. she seems like...more than I could ever ask for. Yet it hurt not being able to even talk to her. The authority in my life, at this time, gives me a no go... not for my benefit, but for hers, and the student's whose lives could be involved.
well its time to sleep now
night.
