I dont know what to say or think. I know that it is quite possible that I am completely overreacting, and acting only out of fear and hurt. I understand that you want to be trusted, and I truly do try to give you that. I know love isn't about getting its about giving and I know that I am not doing my part. I Know i have constantly failed you.
I know that these times are hard for you. And I know you need friends. And honestly it is certainly not you being anthony's friend that bothers me at all anymore. I mean yeah, I guess it can scare me a little, but I know that is completely natural, and acceptable. The problem is, I dont know anything about that friendship. and I have a feeling you guys are growing closer, just like you and I did a long time back. The way i see it, is that anthony now owns that cherished friendship with you I had a long time back.
its the fact, that you made a promise to me, and I put my trust that you said you weren't going to talk to him. Yet I hear from chelsea that you text him every day. I'm sorry for being a tight butt, but I really am Glad you have friends, I truly want you to have them, but I just feel a little betrayed by this.
I mean you did ask me specifically to trust you, that you wouldn't talk to him. And that was a big deal to me. It took so much energy to just let it go. And I have throughout the past month often wondered, and convinced myself that you were not. But the truth is the entire time you were. You broke one of the promises that meant the most to me.
It makes me wonder if this whole situation is a test for you to see that I am working. I feel that if i even slip up a little you will leave me. I cant handle that sort of pressure. Especially since I cant even talk to you. I have felt ever since this whole anthony situation came about that if i take a wrong step or something, your gonna reject me entirely.
I am still here bekki. I am still waiting. I just have a fear, or a dream i keep having, where I go up to give you this awesome birthday present on your birthday, and you wont even take it. Your sitting next to anthony, and refuse to even acknowledge me because you want anthony to know he is the one who is loved now..
I apologize if this letter makes you think any less of me. I'm sorry if i have failed you yet again. But I dont even know what to do. I feel like this entire relationship falls upon me not messing up anymore. And anthony makes a good backup. Please... I am not even asking for you to stop talking to him. I really just want to understand this from your perspective, but i just dont. I know all i can see right now is just pain, rejection, and the feeling of betrayal. Please help me understand.
I still love you.
