God Is Good

I am so glad that God is in this world. As a man, a human, i'm inevitably subject to sin, and I do admit that I have a ton of struggles, things that I am trying to get right with God. And it breaks my heart every time I fall, and I'm there before God, knowing that it breaks his heart, because the sin comes in between us. But I know even aside from all that, that God loves me, and is for me, and has already paid the price for me.

Now that said, we know that I am a man, with many faults, but like king David, you know the one...mentioned in the bible, God even said he was a man after his own heart. Wow, so this guy must really be something right? I mean, for him to be a man after God's own heart, he's gotta be some kind of perfect.

Not true at all. David made some pretty big mistakes, take the incident with Bathsheba for instance, he killed her husband, after getting her to cheat on him. So, murder and adultery right there. But David, when confronted with his sin repented. So thats all we really have to do... Now in no way am I saying blatantly sin, and then repent, It doesn't work like that, for reasons I don't have time to discuss here. But really, God sent his Son to die for us, to pay the penalty.

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Wow, really didn't plan to say any of that, but I guess its just whats on my heart. I really wanted to get serious and dive into some situations thats going on in my life....first of all...there is this absolutely beautiful Girl, I love her to death, and she means the world to me.

Now thats great, beautiful girl...everybody must find one some day or another. but actually, thats not even what got me to look in her direction. I know every man looks at beauty (including me), its in our nature. its her passion for God, and her maturity. I really want that in my life to a much greater degree than I have now... because right now, its so tainted by all kinds of mess the world puts on it, and things that I give into.

Perhaps its a desperate hope, and the tactic of doing everything possible to build an environment for my heart to grow and mature. I'm trying to surround myself with everything positive, everything that is a catalyst for growth, because I can't do it on my own, and I'm sick of not having a deep relationship with God that I see my friends having. I've tasted bits and peices of it, but it comes and goes...I know there are dry seasons, but this isn't that sort of thing, its not a feeling, its knowing that I am growing further, backsliding in otherwords.

Now there is alot of stuff outside of God that I want to be with her for. but I think it is a part of his plan. he certainly didn't create me to be alone. I dont know how to explain what I feel, but i'm ready to move on, and get married. she seems like...more than I could ever ask for. Yet it hurt not being able to even talk to her. The authority in my life, at this time, gives me a no go... not for my benefit, but for hers, and the student's whose lives could be involved.

well its time to sleep now

night.

Daily Routine

Life is hard. I dont know what to think of myself anymore. I consider myself one of the worst sinners, and the lowest of lows. I love God with all of my heart, and I desire to be obedient to him. If Jesus tarries, I would like to get married, but the whole situation about marriage is in his hands, as I am unfit to even attempt to try to get married by myself. I'm utterly incapable.

I don't know if she is going out with this guy, or he is her brother, or a cousin or something, I just know that it bothers me a little bit. But I suppose thats okay, because I completely depend on the Lord my God, because he is my everything.

I guess that is the best part about FTC, I have literally learned to depend on God for everything, and I understand that he can handle it all. He is such a loving and amazing God, and we are so priveleged to be called by His name. Lately God has put on my heart two things: obedience to his word, his laws and the nature of the law, as opposed to the letter of the law, and the other thing, never lacking in spiritual fervor, for that is sin too. (phew long sentence). Anyways, I've been getting sort of tired in my spiritual walk, this long drive in obedience has worn me out of all of my natural reserves of energy, and now I am depending fully on God to see me through it.

Anyways, so much is happening, and I need a chance to breath. I keep wondering what life is going to be like in the future, who i'm going to be married too, and what not (if married at all). The only thing I know for certain, is that God is with me, and He is all I really need, and that I should probably stop concerning myself with all of this other Junk. It's Just that I can't get this girl out of my head. Why is it that I am always filled with such junk. I can never seem to get anything straightened out.

And besides, having her, wouldn't necessarily make the empty feeling go away, because only God can fill it. People die. I will die, everything I ever work for will be lost eventually. My kids, might turn out to not even love me, or if they do, after i'm gone, or when it doesn't matter. Something has to give, because this world is trash, and it has nothing good to offer. My wife may eventually leave me. Nothing is certain. Oh, yeah, and end times and prophecies being fulfilled, the coming of the Lord is certainly near, christians are soon to be persecuted, the Muslims, or so I hear want to kill the men and rape the women. life certainly is not easy, but again I say, if Jesus tarries, I would love to marry a woman after God's own heart.

Life

So much happening, its really cool. Life is finally turning on the upside. I feel like, even though I had to give up a few things, that perhaps were the most important to me. I don't think I've ever done something so hard ever. God has richly blessed me and will always see me through, especially when it is for him whom I suffer. I love God with my whole heart, and have dedicated my entire life to serving Him, and His Kingdom.
I've been so stressed and tired lately, overexhaustion and whatnot. Anyways, tonight was great. We had a massive halo lan party. Actually to be honest, it's still going on, I just got bored with it. Videogames are one of the many things I have given up and put in the past, simply because they are not very productive, and I don't learn much from them.
Don't get me wrong, I had an absolute blast playing vs 10 other guys for the first 3-4 hours, but after a while, it just gets old, finding myself in the same scenario, over and over again. Yeah, we got the entire treehouse cleaned too, it's like spotless now. Most of the guys are still playing halo in the den right now, It might be hard to get to sleep, but..I suppose that I even find the sound comforting, since I haven't heard it in such a long time. weird huh?
Well life in FTC is going good, and things are looking in proper order for a change. I never expected the difficulty and the hurdles I would have to overcome here, but I love it so much, if circumstances would allow, I would stay for another 2 years, however, I know it is not for me to decide, and I know that it isn't my place, nor calling, for the moment at least. Kind of hard to explain. The one thing I can really brag about in FTC, is how much it is strengthening my walk with God, and that's really all that matters right. It's also bringing to life many of the worldy talents that I have.
Anyways, Goodnight and farewell, I'm going to bed now. Long deserved rest.
woot!