Daily Routine

Life is hard. I dont know what to think of myself anymore. I consider myself one of the worst sinners, and the lowest of lows. I love God with all of my heart, and I desire to be obedient to him. If Jesus tarries, I would like to get married, but the whole situation about marriage is in his hands, as I am unfit to even attempt to try to get married by myself. I'm utterly incapable.

I don't know if she is going out with this guy, or he is her brother, or a cousin or something, I just know that it bothers me a little bit. But I suppose thats okay, because I completely depend on the Lord my God, because he is my everything.

I guess that is the best part about FTC, I have literally learned to depend on God for everything, and I understand that he can handle it all. He is such a loving and amazing God, and we are so priveleged to be called by His name. Lately God has put on my heart two things: obedience to his word, his laws and the nature of the law, as opposed to the letter of the law, and the other thing, never lacking in spiritual fervor, for that is sin too. (phew long sentence). Anyways, I've been getting sort of tired in my spiritual walk, this long drive in obedience has worn me out of all of my natural reserves of energy, and now I am depending fully on God to see me through it.

Anyways, so much is happening, and I need a chance to breath. I keep wondering what life is going to be like in the future, who i'm going to be married too, and what not (if married at all). The only thing I know for certain, is that God is with me, and He is all I really need, and that I should probably stop concerning myself with all of this other Junk. It's Just that I can't get this girl out of my head. Why is it that I am always filled with such junk. I can never seem to get anything straightened out.

And besides, having her, wouldn't necessarily make the empty feeling go away, because only God can fill it. People die. I will die, everything I ever work for will be lost eventually. My kids, might turn out to not even love me, or if they do, after i'm gone, or when it doesn't matter. Something has to give, because this world is trash, and it has nothing good to offer. My wife may eventually leave me. Nothing is certain. Oh, yeah, and end times and prophecies being fulfilled, the coming of the Lord is certainly near, christians are soon to be persecuted, the Muslims, or so I hear want to kill the men and rape the women. life certainly is not easy, but again I say, if Jesus tarries, I would love to marry a woman after God's own heart.