Worth it

I've been thinking alot about love lately. I dont know much about it, and I've never really given it much thought, only dreamt about it. But that does me no good does it?

It all makes sense now, though, the reason why I have to wait for it. King david was chased around for 13 years by King Saul, the man he was destined to overthrow. While on the run, God carved into him the wisdom and strength to rule a nation. He was only an early teenager when the prophecy was given.

If that kingdom just fell in his lap right then, he probably wouldn't have been a good king. But with that 13 years experience, he left his mark as one of the greatest kings in the world.

I believe that I am destined to have a wife, and children, but I also belive that God wants to put in me the wisdom, strength, and experience to handle such a task. I have no idea who she is, or what she looks like. I strongly disbelieve that there is only one out there for me, that just seems stupid. Fate and destiny are out of the question. I dont believe in either of them.

I however do belive that God will see me through on it, and guide me into his will.

I believe it is worth the wait.

Thanksgiving

Oh, I feel at the absolute bottom here, I have given up on Gods word and I so desperately want to come back to it. I am empty and am nothing without him. I should stop concerning myself about why I follow him, and In my times of doubt, I shall remember what he has done for me, In showing himself to me. I must be a lucky man, for I had a purpose in my life.

The more I learn in this world the smaller I feel. Certain things that once brought me delight flee before me and I am left with nothing. Why is this world so cruel? I feel that everybody in this planet always steps on my feet, that I cannot become what I want to become.

Yet what is it that I want to become so much? Will it make any difference to me at all? Will diving my head into programming somehow take away the pain and lonelieness? I am an outcast by society, Will I ever fit in and become something?

Most of the guys my age think about how to get a girl... What good would that do for me? Still feel empty even with family around. Nothing can fill this gap that has been put into me.

When In doubt, I can always turn to every life point seeking letter I write. Everything points to something that needs to be there to fill me. Everything points to something superior to what this world has to offer. Everything points to God being there.

Progress

Yeah, so anyways, I was sitting here looking around and indulging myself in My favorite anime series, and I just felt so empty and called by the lord. I feel empty alot of times, and I know it is the devils job to keep me from him. Anyways, I prayed, for the first time in a long time, and for less than I should. I feel more full, but I still cant help from indulging myself in other things. It's like I'm always cutting the lords time short. It's like he's not my first priority. But let me tell you, it's so hard making God first. He always expects so much out of me, and I feel that I'm just not up to the challenge.

I have to get out and go preach to the school, and half the time I dont even have my own salvation figured out yet. Its all just so hard. I want the truth and nothing but the truth, and a long time ago I made a committment to follow that. So I'm going to leave right now to do just that. Fifteen Minutes with God, that has got to be the least I can do, and the best I can afford. I just wish there were an easier way to have that so awesome fulfillment.

This must be ten times easier for Shye than it is for me. Sometimes it seems that has no problems in life, she can get by with anything and get away with everything. I'll bet it wasn't even hard for her to make the switch, and her daily challenges are so simple to her. What does she have that I dont? Is it a problem with my heart?