I'm back home again. I guess you could call it a tradition to post something to my blog when I am home for a few days. So much is going on in my life, and its so crazy having time to sit down and think.
Being bed ridden for a few days really has given me plenty of time to sort of mull things over. I began to think about how short our lives are, and how weak and fragile our existence is. Thinking about it called back a few memories, mostly from the time being here at this new house. Being here is intoxicating, memories of the past are everywhere. Who I was conflicts with who I am, yet both share respect for one another.
Memories, they have a funny way, of leaving out the bad feelings. I remember getting frustrated at my dad, and running out of the house, not running away, just away from him for the time, wanting to wait for mom to get home. Back then...it wasn't such a good thing, but... Now, its held in a sort of positive light. I have no way of explaining it, it's just plain weird.
I hold every single one of my memories as precious, and perhaps I cherish them a bit too much. Its natural for me, when times get rough, to seek refuge within the confines of my mind, where everything is under my control. I'll admit, its a nice feeling to be home, where I know my closest friends are just a stones throw away, and my Mom is here too.
I remember when I started this blog, almost two years ago now. That's insane, it feels so new still. I wasn't saved back then really, I was agnostic, didn't believe there was any way to know if God was real or just fairy tale legend. I sort of devoted all my writing here to finding facts, and looking into them from a different perspective. All in all, God showed himself to me, for scripture says (somewhere, I'll get back to you, I think maybe in the gospel of Matthew) that he who seeks shall find.
Anyways, I have warm memories here, I love this little place, for I can collect my thoughts, and sharpen them so to speak. I love to learn, and, just writing, is a great form of practice, and I need much more of it. When I first started this, I thought I wanted to be a writer, God may have plans for me yet, but, whatever it is, I'm not going to worry about it for a long time.
Life was so much easier two years ago, all I had to worry about was passing high school, and of course, Sarah. My parents marriage was still somewhat intact, but the pains of depression had been tormenting my father for the past three years or so.
Anyways, I'm really ready for the holidays, I can use a vacation, and some time to be with those who are close to me, parents, friends, family. Ah, yes, rehabilitation! Warmth, sitting around fire, presents, lights, Oh I cant wait to see what Christmas service is like this year at CCH! Maybe I can get my grandparents to come, that would rock!
Well that was fun, night guys.
PS, in case you were wondering about the title of this post, I am at home because I had my wisdom teeth pulled/cut out this Thursday, and I am recuperating.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Homesick
I've been in FTC for over a month and a half now. It all blends in together, and its hard to tell everything apart. We have been serving alongside the staff since the very beginning. We all have our jobs and duties there. I've never been so busy in my life, and I haven't had a chance to catch my breath. I scarce have seen my own mother.
Aside from the everyday business, life is going well, and God is teaching me so many new things, its amazing. His hand is upon my character, and new things are constantly being pointed out to me. It's simply amazing, and attitude is everything.
Seeing some of the things from my past life, and the way things used to be, when I was a kid, really come back to me now, and I am flooded with memories, and a burning desire for things to return. At the same time, I know it is impossible, and I wouldn't take back all of the things I have learned along the way, or all of the people I have met. Who I was before, wouldn't be liked very much by my friends now, I was a completely different person. It's just crazy to look at the change that has happened inside of me.
Aside from the everyday business, life is going well, and God is teaching me so many new things, its amazing. His hand is upon my character, and new things are constantly being pointed out to me. It's simply amazing, and attitude is everything.
Seeing some of the things from my past life, and the way things used to be, when I was a kid, really come back to me now, and I am flooded with memories, and a burning desire for things to return. At the same time, I know it is impossible, and I wouldn't take back all of the things I have learned along the way, or all of the people I have met. Who I was before, wouldn't be liked very much by my friends now, I was a completely different person. It's just crazy to look at the change that has happened inside of me.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Blind and foolish Heart.
Love
Powerful words. There is much confusion in my heart. And pain. Its like half the time I don't even understand who I am anymore. My character is constantly being tested. My heart is pushed to the limit, ready to break. On the outside I am strong, but inside I crumble.
Lets Go over specifics. What is bothering me the most is Jenna. It startled me this morning while I was sort of dozing in church. Yeah, thats right, really tired, and I was doing audio. But this thought came in my head. Jenna had done something wrong to me, and hurt me, but I said, I love her no matter what. How the heck, and why did that get into my head. I don't want that in there. I want her to be just a friend and nothing more.
One thing, It would look horribly bad If I started to like her. Another thing is that my best friend likes her. They like eachother. They sort of have this relationship thing going on. It's a bit confusing to me though. But really, I love her as a friend. I really don't want to loose her as a friend, and I most certainly don't want to hurt Chris. Two of the biggest fears in my life come to play in this scenario. Oh not to mention she's like 14! Oh the legalities. The family would
hate me.
I keep thinking stupid thoughts that God is trying to cultivate a relationship between us. That He is using the barriers of "just friends" to grow us together. I guess you can say I'm attracted to her personality. But no, I'm not going to say that, because, I like her as a friend! Ugh, Get out Satan, in Jesus' holy mighty name!
I have created several barriers on my heart, that I must hold up at all costs, or risk personal destruction the likes of which I have never felt before. I mean for real I genuinely like to have Jenna as a friend, I don't want anything more. I guess the deepest desires of my heart would like something there. I guess it's just because she knows me and I know her. That's something I've never shared with another girl before. So what I am feeling can't be real. It's just a big joke. I need to just forget about it, and learn to love her as a friend.
Oh, another defense mechanism I have seen in myself is, when the alarms are raised in my brain, and the sirens start buzzing, because whenever stuff like that about Jenna comes up, everything just goes bezerk, and my instinct is to flee, and get out of the situation, or use extreme caution in my thoughts, I immediately divert the energy to Nicole, or, since lack thereof, Brooke. I thought brooch's role in my life had been completed long ago, but now its coming back as a sort of defense mechanism. Why is it that my feelings are always branched out in a triangle.
Ugh, the stress is just everywhere, I feel horrible. I really like Nicole, and I feel I am being disloyal to her, myself, her family, my family, and Most importantly, GOD, when I think about others. I want to wait for her to get back, because I really believe God put her in my life for a reason, I just don't know what.
Then there is Noelle, I am not allowed to like her because I like Nicole. That would be uncharacteristic of a strong person, and I must be strong. I have to fortify! Must be strong. I don't want to fall into that trap. So now Jenna is out of
the way, nothing more than just a friend. Put up guards around yourself when your around her, or dealing with situations that involve her. It's not even an option. Don't covet another man's wife, lets just treat it like that. Phew, that feels alot
better. And noelle, not an option either. Don't even pursue it, if God wants you to have that, make sure that it has to be a work from him, by not lifting a finger of my own to make it happen. That's something I learned from reading a tale of three kings.
I keep getting tempted to talk to Brooke too, because I think she might be interested in me now. Prideful maybe, but I could see her looking at me after I played my part in the skit at G5. That was a look of shock, and... That felt the best
out of everything that happened, at least regarding compliments. It's like I want a relationship with her too. HA SATAN! I was never so tempted before FTC, now you show nothing but fruit I cannot have. HA, In the name of my Lord and savior, let he rebuke that in my life, not I, for I know not his will. It seems Brooke is the most possible solution now, ironically. Nicole is just way too good, and high for me to obtain. I guess I originally thought I should strive for the best, and never have to wonder. I guess I can admittedly say that Nicole is the best. In my mind alone, everyone is just as important to God.
I really hate my weak and feeble human heart. It is too feeble, and fickle. It changes its mind too often, it is not constant, it is not reliable, and it is hell bent on destroying itself. Without God's intervention, it would have died. I gotta
stay connected to God's life support tube, or my heart will sputter out and die, for it has not the power to hold itself together. It is at war with itself. A house divided.
I cannot live on my own. I need Jesus, as my Lord, and savior, and the light to my feet. Well Goodnight listener, its 11:23, and I need to be in bed. I guess you can stay in tune for my next issue... FTC issues.
I don't know if I am going to show this to either Jenna or Chris as I write this. It will take much prayer. I will not modify this as I go. It is what it is. My deepest darkest secrets. My wicked, twisted, and confused, human heart. And the dark fruit that comes from it. This is who I am inside. The thoughts and paragraphs are there as they came out in my head. There are no revisions, no editing. Heck not even a spell check. I'm sealing this up on my computer, then transferring to my blog. This is the kind of stuff that really hurts to show. If your reading this...
Chris....
Heck maybe... even Jenna... If Jenna is reading this, I probably made a stupid mistake, and blurted it out quick before I gave myself time to think.
Don't turn from me. I need you guys more than anything.
no... no... I don't think I'm going to show this to anyone, perhaps maybe one in ftc, and no more. This is what has been bothering me. This is what has been keeping me awake to the late hours of the night. This is what haunts me as I work in the fields. Who am I really. Everybody thinks I'm a good person. I'm really not. Well I think everybody sees me as a good person. I'm only human.
Goodnight for real... 11:32
Powerful words. There is much confusion in my heart. And pain. Its like half the time I don't even understand who I am anymore. My character is constantly being tested. My heart is pushed to the limit, ready to break. On the outside I am strong, but inside I crumble.
Lets Go over specifics. What is bothering me the most is Jenna. It startled me this morning while I was sort of dozing in church. Yeah, thats right, really tired, and I was doing audio. But this thought came in my head. Jenna had done something wrong to me, and hurt me, but I said, I love her no matter what. How the heck, and why did that get into my head. I don't want that in there. I want her to be just a friend and nothing more.
One thing, It would look horribly bad If I started to like her. Another thing is that my best friend likes her. They like eachother. They sort of have this relationship thing going on. It's a bit confusing to me though. But really, I love her as a friend. I really don't want to loose her as a friend, and I most certainly don't want to hurt Chris. Two of the biggest fears in my life come to play in this scenario. Oh not to mention she's like 14! Oh the legalities. The family would
hate me.
I keep thinking stupid thoughts that God is trying to cultivate a relationship between us. That He is using the barriers of "just friends" to grow us together. I guess you can say I'm attracted to her personality. But no, I'm not going to say that, because, I like her as a friend! Ugh, Get out Satan, in Jesus' holy mighty name!
I have created several barriers on my heart, that I must hold up at all costs, or risk personal destruction the likes of which I have never felt before. I mean for real I genuinely like to have Jenna as a friend, I don't want anything more. I guess the deepest desires of my heart would like something there. I guess it's just because she knows me and I know her. That's something I've never shared with another girl before. So what I am feeling can't be real. It's just a big joke. I need to just forget about it, and learn to love her as a friend.
Oh, another defense mechanism I have seen in myself is, when the alarms are raised in my brain, and the sirens start buzzing, because whenever stuff like that about Jenna comes up, everything just goes bezerk, and my instinct is to flee, and get out of the situation, or use extreme caution in my thoughts, I immediately divert the energy to Nicole, or, since lack thereof, Brooke. I thought brooch's role in my life had been completed long ago, but now its coming back as a sort of defense mechanism. Why is it that my feelings are always branched out in a triangle.
Ugh, the stress is just everywhere, I feel horrible. I really like Nicole, and I feel I am being disloyal to her, myself, her family, my family, and Most importantly, GOD, when I think about others. I want to wait for her to get back, because I really believe God put her in my life for a reason, I just don't know what.
Then there is Noelle, I am not allowed to like her because I like Nicole. That would be uncharacteristic of a strong person, and I must be strong. I have to fortify! Must be strong. I don't want to fall into that trap. So now Jenna is out of
the way, nothing more than just a friend. Put up guards around yourself when your around her, or dealing with situations that involve her. It's not even an option. Don't covet another man's wife, lets just treat it like that. Phew, that feels alot
better. And noelle, not an option either. Don't even pursue it, if God wants you to have that, make sure that it has to be a work from him, by not lifting a finger of my own to make it happen. That's something I learned from reading a tale of three kings.
I keep getting tempted to talk to Brooke too, because I think she might be interested in me now. Prideful maybe, but I could see her looking at me after I played my part in the skit at G5. That was a look of shock, and... That felt the best
out of everything that happened, at least regarding compliments. It's like I want a relationship with her too. HA SATAN! I was never so tempted before FTC, now you show nothing but fruit I cannot have. HA, In the name of my Lord and savior, let he rebuke that in my life, not I, for I know not his will. It seems Brooke is the most possible solution now, ironically. Nicole is just way too good, and high for me to obtain. I guess I originally thought I should strive for the best, and never have to wonder. I guess I can admittedly say that Nicole is the best. In my mind alone, everyone is just as important to God.
I really hate my weak and feeble human heart. It is too feeble, and fickle. It changes its mind too often, it is not constant, it is not reliable, and it is hell bent on destroying itself. Without God's intervention, it would have died. I gotta
stay connected to God's life support tube, or my heart will sputter out and die, for it has not the power to hold itself together. It is at war with itself. A house divided.
I cannot live on my own. I need Jesus, as my Lord, and savior, and the light to my feet. Well Goodnight listener, its 11:23, and I need to be in bed. I guess you can stay in tune for my next issue... FTC issues.
I don't know if I am going to show this to either Jenna or Chris as I write this. It will take much prayer. I will not modify this as I go. It is what it is. My deepest darkest secrets. My wicked, twisted, and confused, human heart. And the dark fruit that comes from it. This is who I am inside. The thoughts and paragraphs are there as they came out in my head. There are no revisions, no editing. Heck not even a spell check. I'm sealing this up on my computer, then transferring to my blog. This is the kind of stuff that really hurts to show. If your reading this...
Chris....
Heck maybe... even Jenna... If Jenna is reading this, I probably made a stupid mistake, and blurted it out quick before I gave myself time to think.
Don't turn from me. I need you guys more than anything.
no... no... I don't think I'm going to show this to anyone, perhaps maybe one in ftc, and no more. This is what has been bothering me. This is what has been keeping me awake to the late hours of the night. This is what haunts me as I work in the fields. Who am I really. Everybody thinks I'm a good person. I'm really not. Well I think everybody sees me as a good person. I'm only human.
Goodnight for real... 11:32
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