To be honest with you. I am in more pain than I ever remember going through. I don't know how to let it out. I don't know why God is letting this happen to me, and I often wonder what I did to deserve this. I think I try to do everything in my life that glorifies God.
I mean I love this girl I really do. I love to be around her, I love her personality, but her past rips my heart in shreds. So does true love ever care about the past? No, the bible says that love keeps no record of wrongs, yet here I am tallying down her faults. Love is not selfish yet everything I do is completely self centered. Love does not boast, it is not easily angered. I mean just looking at 1 Corinthians 13 I realize that there is no love in me, just simple infatuation and pain.
To be honest I don't want anybody else except for her, however, I want her without all that yuckie past. Is it my job to look passed all of this? I have no idea what I am doing, and I make all the wrong movies and I'm completely stuck in this sin rut.
I feel like no matter what I do I am going to hurt her and I don't want to do that. She has been through so so much stuff in her life, that I just feel that is completely unfair. I mean she should never have had to go through that. She is too young, too innocent, and kind and just...deserves so much more than all of that. I mean i feel like she deserves so much more than I have to offer her..She needs a guy without doubts, somebody who is going to protect her, and love her no matter what.
So then I start to think, as I look at that mirror. How are my sins any different than hers? They pull me away from God just as much. I am just as broken in front of the lord, but not in my heart. I categorize my sins. I think all of this doubt comes from my self deception, and believing I am somehow different when I am not.
Any relationship is going to have its struggles, and these struggles offer us opportunities to draw closer to one another, and to work through something rough with somebody builds a relationship to stronger unprecedented levels, and can quickly advance things if they trust you. Maybe that is what happened. At this moment in my life, I am in more need of Gods guidance and direction than at any time before. Just help me Jesus.. Help me to see her the way you do. Help me to see myself the way you do. Help me to just see you!
Friday, January 09, 2009
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
[A]bort [R]etry [[F]]ail
Ever just have so much on your mind, that you cant sleep. My life is insane right now. Everything is upside down and completely out of control. One second i find myself thinking i'm a genious, the next i'm a moron.
This year I managed to get myself enrolled in a cs3000 level class with database engineering. Skipping about 2 -3 prereqs. I think I was really just looking for a challenge. Ended up with alot more than I bargained for, and when the chance came to drop it, I kept it.
The problem in this class is not the material, or anything else but myself.. I could hit myself time and time again for browsing the web when the teacher is talking. It comes so naturally, habitually. She talks so booringly, in a deep chinese accent, talking about the same concepts we have been covering for the longest time. Nothing new happens, nothing challenging..but when it comes time to do something I am clueless.
I come in on the test day, feeling fully and adequately prepared. I take the test and turn it in expecting, no less than an 80, and maybe even a 95. I remember proudly walking up to the teacher, second person to turn it in, and giving it to her hand. Walking out of it, I wanted to call my mother, the anxiety of the test day subsiding, completely confident , about to tell her I probably made an A. I decided against it, usually when I tell my mother I did good, I get the actual test back and I failed..so wanting to suprise her, and not bother her with something she did not need to hear, I kept it to myself.. Reguardless of all that, I walk in on the next day and get a 64 in my hand. MARKED OFF FOR THE LAMEST BS EVER!!! I fully demonstrated I knew the concepts, I felt the paper wasn't clear enough. take this for example, I lost about 5 points on this because I used shorthand.
bankcode reference bank bankcode
I wrote the fullversion the first few lines, the last few I just wrote the important part, I mean, its impossible to not know what I was talking about, any idiot can have gotten what I was pointing at. Its hard to explain but its dreadfully obvious. I would need to draw a picture..no time for that.. Some of the things were legitimate, but honestly I got marked off for really small stuff, and it took away many many more points than it should have.
The teacher told me she regrets even letting me in the class. To be honest I dont blame her. right after that, with all intentions to do well and a new footing I went to the next class expecting to be fully prepared. I arrive, book ready, pencil eager to take notes, the student next to me pokes me on the shoulder asks me if he can see my homework. I wanted so badly to jump out of the window in shame.
Why am I not praying, why am I not reading the bible? I think the desire is there but not the discipline.. I hate having to have disipline, its retarded. I miss good old highschool where I could ace pretty much any test without even cracking open the book. Just listen in class, do homework in class, everything was pretty well made for me.
I'm a wreck. I'm on probation as an RA, I'm doing bad in RA class.. Come on RA class is supposed to be eazy breezy. Can't we just restart this year... give me a clean slate or something. I've made some really bad decisions.
This all boils down to complete disorganization. Its my aquilles heel. except, I dont have superpowers to begin with..so lets just say its ... yeah..school just kicked me in the nutsack.
This year I managed to get myself enrolled in a cs3000 level class with database engineering. Skipping about 2 -3 prereqs. I think I was really just looking for a challenge. Ended up with alot more than I bargained for, and when the chance came to drop it, I kept it.
The problem in this class is not the material, or anything else but myself.. I could hit myself time and time again for browsing the web when the teacher is talking. It comes so naturally, habitually. She talks so booringly, in a deep chinese accent, talking about the same concepts we have been covering for the longest time. Nothing new happens, nothing challenging..but when it comes time to do something I am clueless.
I come in on the test day, feeling fully and adequately prepared. I take the test and turn it in expecting, no less than an 80, and maybe even a 95. I remember proudly walking up to the teacher, second person to turn it in, and giving it to her hand. Walking out of it, I wanted to call my mother, the anxiety of the test day subsiding, completely confident , about to tell her I probably made an A. I decided against it, usually when I tell my mother I did good, I get the actual test back and I failed..so wanting to suprise her, and not bother her with something she did not need to hear, I kept it to myself.. Reguardless of all that, I walk in on the next day and get a 64 in my hand. MARKED OFF FOR THE LAMEST BS EVER!!! I fully demonstrated I knew the concepts, I felt the paper wasn't clear enough. take this for example, I lost about 5 points on this because I used shorthand.
bankcode reference bank bankcode
I wrote the fullversion the first few lines, the last few I just wrote the important part, I mean, its impossible to not know what I was talking about, any idiot can have gotten what I was pointing at. Its hard to explain but its dreadfully obvious. I would need to draw a picture..no time for that.. Some of the things were legitimate, but honestly I got marked off for really small stuff, and it took away many many more points than it should have.
The teacher told me she regrets even letting me in the class. To be honest I dont blame her. right after that, with all intentions to do well and a new footing I went to the next class expecting to be fully prepared. I arrive, book ready, pencil eager to take notes, the student next to me pokes me on the shoulder asks me if he can see my homework. I wanted so badly to jump out of the window in shame.
Why am I not praying, why am I not reading the bible? I think the desire is there but not the discipline.. I hate having to have disipline, its retarded. I miss good old highschool where I could ace pretty much any test without even cracking open the book. Just listen in class, do homework in class, everything was pretty well made for me.
I'm a wreck. I'm on probation as an RA, I'm doing bad in RA class.. Come on RA class is supposed to be eazy breezy. Can't we just restart this year... give me a clean slate or something. I've made some really bad decisions.
This all boils down to complete disorganization. Its my aquilles heel. except, I dont have superpowers to begin with..so lets just say its ... yeah..school just kicked me in the nutsack.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
its 3 am
Well I have not posted in a long time, and now that it is 3 am in the morning on march the third, and it is friggin hot outside, and i cant sleep, i decided to make a post. First thing, I want to be alot closer to God than I am now. SEcond thing, i want my sense of self worth to have nothing to do with what girls think of me, but be dependant on that of god alone...third thing, I want God to write my love story and have control of that. I suck at it...
Finally, college is hard, 1 it is hard to get motivated, 2 things sneak up and kill you, 3 nobody cares whether you pass or fail, it all depends on you, and that is the most weird thing about it....nobody cares at all... I never thought i would say this, but i really miss highschool...oh and that summer before ftc, when jenna, me lee and... well me again went to six flags, i think chris came, not sure if he did or not i cant remember but htat was fun, or the time me will nelson, and drake lucas went to six flags...that was pretty friggin cool i dont think i will ever forget that...
I always write when nostalgia creeps in on me. I've been thinking alot, i want to go back to a youth camp or something...and omgsh...brooke...I wish she would at least talk to me. I cant be that bad of a person to not even talk eh? I would say "if she had any idea how much i cared for her, she would completely change" but...as my grandmother and a few other poeple have told me this before, ...all it did was creap me the ...heck out...so no... I think i need to show her how much i dont care....yeah.. or at least make her think i dont i dont know how her mind works...but i tell you the truth it is not normal at all...I like that...but still it would be nice if she could at least talk to me.
It seems every time i write it is something nostalgic..sure i miss the past alot, and I have trouble getting over the loss of good friends...I am the kinda guy who keeps a select few close to me and i dont like changing them out...sure i love meeting new people but i have a hard time letting them close to me. I should probably just say that I am frustrated with the stresses of college...perhaps instead of looking backwards into better times, i should look forwards into better times.
Finally, college is hard, 1 it is hard to get motivated, 2 things sneak up and kill you, 3 nobody cares whether you pass or fail, it all depends on you, and that is the most weird thing about it....nobody cares at all... I never thought i would say this, but i really miss highschool...oh and that summer before ftc, when jenna, me lee and... well me again went to six flags, i think chris came, not sure if he did or not i cant remember but htat was fun, or the time me will nelson, and drake lucas went to six flags...that was pretty friggin cool i dont think i will ever forget that...
I always write when nostalgia creeps in on me. I've been thinking alot, i want to go back to a youth camp or something...and omgsh...brooke...I wish she would at least talk to me. I cant be that bad of a person to not even talk eh? I would say "if she had any idea how much i cared for her, she would completely change" but...as my grandmother and a few other poeple have told me this before, ...all it did was creap me the ...heck out...so no... I think i need to show her how much i dont care....yeah.. or at least make her think i dont i dont know how her mind works...but i tell you the truth it is not normal at all...I like that...but still it would be nice if she could at least talk to me.
It seems every time i write it is something nostalgic..sure i miss the past alot, and I have trouble getting over the loss of good friends...I am the kinda guy who keeps a select few close to me and i dont like changing them out...sure i love meeting new people but i have a hard time letting them close to me. I should probably just say that I am frustrated with the stresses of college...perhaps instead of looking backwards into better times, i should look forwards into better times.
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