Growth

As an individual, I find myself in a fascinating new place in Gods plan for my life. He has made it abundantly clear to me, that even though I have messed up, I am still his child, and his plans are to prosper me. I'm finally seeing the light of day after 4 months of stormy gloomy weather, and overcast skys. Its like winter is finally over and the forest is starting to bear fruit once again after a deep slumber. Its something thats so very hard to describe, but I am so very thankful to Jesus for restoring my fellowship with God. I'm beginning to see his plan take root and its very exciting.

I miss bekki alot. I don't know if she is going to be my life partner anymore. I know she is an amazing woman, and I really do love her. I just don't know how much she even wants to be with me. I think honestly, that she loves me, but does not want to be with me like that anymore, and wants somebody a little more interesting or something along those lines. She is so hard to read, every time we get the opportunity to talk, she either ignores me, or is overwhelmingly negative about something, or shoots down what I say.

I want everything to work between her and I, but when we can talk again in another 3 1/2 months, I want us to go to counseling. She is extremely stubborn, and I think she believes I am too. I usually am quick to admit when I am wrong, and want to repair the relationship fast, but I think counseling is the only way we will ever understand one another.

I have become so much stronger after making the mistake I made. I'm no longer dependant on anybody but jesus. Or i truely want to be able to say that with greater accuracy later on down the road.

Today is one of those days I consider a mile marker. Tomorrow I wake up for work at 7 am, and its 2:17 am right now. But considering its a day i'm going to look back upon and be all super nostalgic, I might as well have some memories to go with it. I called Chris around 10 pm, askin if he wanted to go for a walk.. well we went for a walk, ended up pickin up jackson after spying on him outside his window and talking to him on the phone at the same time.. It was so funny, chris and I were laughing so hard. I'm somewhat afraid of jacksons mom. I found a snail in Jacksons yard, and put it on my cellphone, then put it on my car's front window and drove to mcdonalds. Chris,Jackson and I all played around in the kids play area in the mcdonalds on highway 5 at like 1 am in the morning. Good times.

Earlier throughout the day, Aunt Kim came over, Melba and Max ran all over the house all day. And we watched Heroes. Literally Mom and I watched 10 full episodes of heroes. I think I got her addicted, but its fun to watch.

Anyways, I am seriously anxious about cloudburst, but thank you Jesus, that you have given me this opportunity to serve you in this capacity. You lifted me up out of my depression from college. You knew I never thought I would find success and you have given me so much more blessing than I ever could have imagined.

You have blessed my abilities with computers. and even now, as i type this, I can't help but think back to the first blogs I wrote while sitting on omega II, or old blue as I refer to it these days. (Sadly bekki killed old blue....or her house did)

And since you have blessed me so much.. Jesus, I ask just one simple thing. I ask for the relationship between bekki and I to be restored. At least to where we can understand one another, see eye to eye, and there actually be love between us, and if she wants to leave me for the rest of her life then there be understanding and strength on my part to let her go. Or enough fight in me to not be jealous and fight to get her back.

God I ask that you heal my insecurities so that I may know the truth about what I am in your eyes, in light of what scripture says about me, instead of seeing myself through satan's mirror as I do so often. And I pray that I may stay dedicated to you while working at cloudburst, and whatever jobs may come after..

agony

I dont know what to say or think. I know that it is quite possible that I am completely overreacting, and acting only out of fear and hurt. I understand that you want to be trusted, and I truly do try to give you that. I know love isn't about getting its about giving and I know that I am not doing my part. I Know i have constantly failed you.

I know that these times are hard for you. And I know you need friends. And honestly it is certainly not you being anthony's friend that bothers me at all anymore. I mean yeah, I guess it can scare me a little, but I know that is completely natural, and acceptable. The problem is, I dont know anything about that friendship. and I have a feeling you guys are growing closer, just like you and I did a long time back. The way i see it, is that anthony now owns that cherished friendship with you I had a long time back.

its the fact, that you made a promise to me, and I put my trust that you said you weren't going to talk to him. Yet I hear from chelsea that you text him every day. I'm sorry for being a tight butt, but I really am Glad you have friends, I truly want you to have them, but I just feel a little betrayed by this.

I mean you did ask me specifically to trust you, that you wouldn't talk to him. And that was a big deal to me. It took so much energy to just let it go. And I have throughout the past month often wondered, and convinced myself that you were not. But the truth is the entire time you were. You broke one of the promises that meant the most to me.

It makes me wonder if this whole situation is a test for you to see that I am working. I feel that if i even slip up a little you will leave me. I cant handle that sort of pressure. Especially since I cant even talk to you. I have felt ever since this whole anthony situation came about that if i take a wrong step or something, your gonna reject me entirely.

I am still here bekki. I am still waiting. I just have a fear, or a dream i keep having, where I go up to give you this awesome birthday present on your birthday, and you wont even take it. Your sitting next to anthony, and refuse to even acknowledge me because you want anthony to know he is the one who is loved now..

I apologize if this letter makes you think any less of me. I'm sorry if i have failed you yet again. But I dont even know what to do. I feel like this entire relationship falls upon me not messing up anymore. And anthony makes a good backup. Please... I am not even asking for you to stop talking to him. I really just want to understand this from your perspective, but i just dont. I know all i can see right now is just pain, rejection, and the feeling of betrayal. Please help me understand.

I still love you.

and I love you for it

... And I love you for it.
Being away from you made me start thinking of things in the past. How you and I took a long walk in the woods with daniel and tried to get lost, and ended up on some road we have never seen before. How we walked past this guys house, and saw a bunch of tires, and weird satellite dishes. How it was a warm, somewhat rainy winter day. It was Christmas Eve, and I couldn't have had a happier one.

On the walk home, I started singing Laundry Day, from Dr. Horrible. I remember having wanted you to see it for a long time. I love how you love peace signs and recycling. I love You for your hippy like attitude. I love your taste in music, even though it is not the same as my own, when you are gone, I cant help but to listen to juno, showbread, and miss you greatly. I want to sit and watch curious George with you,

I want to be able to tuck you in at night again.Its the simple things about you that I miss so much. Nobody could ever take your place.I love your rebellious nature, and how you are halfway vegetarian.

Remember the time on Christmas eve, where we went to the mall and walked around in the woods.. That is one of my happiest memories. Daniel and I fought each other with our coats on the top of that little bridge over the creek. When it was time to take you home, chris and josh drove you guys home, but before that we sat outside in the parking lot splashing eachother with water. I remember feeling so anxious to stay by your side.

It hurts inside all the time to not see your face, hear your voice, or be there when you smile. I want you to smile more bekki. I love you. You mean soso so much to me.

I found out this morning... I was just randomly talking to jenna since she was the only one online at the moment. And was telling her that i missed you and stuff. Then she said she had to go since you were waking up. I didn't even know she was at your house. My heart almost leapt out of my chest just at the thought of you sitting there sleeping, wiping your eyes as you wake up. I wanted to be there and hug you.. Sit next to you. Or tuck you in as you go to bed. Every time I think of you, I initially have a surge of adrenaline like i just got pushed out of a jet aircraft. I just want to see your face, and talk to you. But then my spirits drown when i quickly remember, i can no longer speak.

Bekki, I love you with everything I am.. and I think the longest I have gone without thinking about you is 10 minutes.

I cant wait for you to be able to read these letters. And i cant wait to at least be able to tweet you with on twitter so everybody in the galaxy will know i love you.