Empty

I'm a bit empty right now. Its funny, its like, no matter what I try to do, there is still this gap that needs filling. Like an inborn feeling of emptiness. I have the world right now. I have the coolest friends in the world, and I can talk to them about anything. I love to be with them, yet even when I am with them there is still a gap that they cant fill.

I was thinking about that, I guess there is only one who can fill that void. Strange, that we procrastinate on reading the Bible, or praying, when He is the only one who can fill the gap. I'll wager that Satan is doing everything he can to cover our eyes to the truth.

I remember growing up, I would always do the worldly things, and even now as a Christian, I am just as susceptible to some of them. Its so hard to break old habits. Recently though, I believe that the holy spirit has been helping me along the way. He is the one that Lives inside of me. He is just as real as the things we see around us, no... He is realer than that.

The Kingdom of Heaven is upside down, in order to save your life, you must give it up. In order to receive, you must give. Show love instead of hate. Its so much better than the wicked ways of the world though. And we put to death the evil desires of the flesh, for we are new creatures in Christ.

I love this new life that is in me. I am a new person and I know that. I love Jesus, and I give all credit to him, for he has done a work in me so far beyond what I could have ever expected. He has filled the gap, and paid my debt.

I've taken several steps towards my new life with God. I want my hands to serve him, I want to dedicate my life to him. That's why I am going to Fulfill The Call. I've been so worried about getting there, I myself cannot hope to pay the funds, but, this is my decision. I know its in God's hands and I have complete faith in him.

Cool I Guess

Everything has setteled down, and right now i'm just a little bored. My Grandparents and Aunt Kim are over here. I'm not quite sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. but anyways. I tried using xanga... I really dont like the way they want you to pay for certain stuff. Its really pathetic. I can see where myspace excelled past them.

I'm about ready to get into reading right now..but It's kinda hard, everybody keeps making so much noise I cant hear myself think. I don't think it is a good idea to leave the house either, they came to visit.

Dillema's like this are always fun. I'm just hungry for something but I don't know what. Computer used to fill that hole for me, sort of, I could spend all day on the computer, but now my patience is limited. I have nothing to do on it. I'm not much into videogames either. Unless it has a good story line, I love games with story line. Action isn't all that important anymore either.

Its so cool to see how much I'm changing inside. Little bit weird eh? Its a very good thing though. I thank God everyday for opening up my eyes. I have so much to be thankful for, and I try to grow a little bit everyday.

I just got done playing ping pong versus my Aunt Kim, that was pretty fun. Well, yanno, everything in my life has calmed down. I gotta get my support letters out for FTC, I dont feel deserving to be there. It's like I should be putting forth 150% effort to get in there and i'm only giving like 50%. But I am really serious about it. So hard to get motivated. But I need this in my life, I want it more than anything right now.

Ponder Ponder.

Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

"I just don't love you anymore"

Men, throughout history, have noted that they are responsible to be head of the household. This isn't me saying it, it is in the Bible, and I believe it, to be the true, God Breathed, life changing, and heart cleansing miracle.

I have felt the pain of inferiority recently. When you believe you should be the leader, and you fail, its that kind of pain, it wont go away, and it wont leave you alone. After tonight, I can sort of see where my Dad is coming from. I mean, my mother has been the strong backbone of our family for many years now. My mother has character where he has none.

He doesn't even love himself anymore. He cant grow up, I pray for him still, but I have been lacking. Mom says it might not last much longer. I have never seen such strength.. Not only is she supporting the entire house financially, but we haven't really lost anything either... We are living entirely off of her finances, and were doing just fine. But I can see that she is struggling under the stress. She married him for life, thick and thin. She is so determined to see this through to the end, but.. whenever I see her I see the strength of God in her.

I've never had any Godly male influence in my life until I started going to CCH. But, my mom is strong. I hate it when people throw around these pretenses that women are inferior to men. I believe we were all created equal. A man loves his daughter just as much as a son right? So much more would God love his daughter as much as His Sons. We are all Daughters and Sons of God through Christ. But God did only have One Son, AMEN to that though.

It seems that in modern times, the male being the head of the household is often objected and viewed as sexist. I honestly don't know what to think of that, and I'm really confused in that area. I know what the bible says, and I believe that is how it should be. The Bible is the living breathing Word of God. But that's the thing, you have to understand everything in context, and I'm not sure I understand it fully.

I know that the model given is perfect. Women Submit to husbands. That has to be hard for any woman. But then the equally hard, men Love your wives just as Christ loved the church. WOW, Christ died for the church! So, Give it your everything, don't hold out.

So, how can Dad live with himself. He knows Mom is a Godly Character. Its like, Mom prevailed, Dad just failed. I know he knows that. He would have to admit his complete wrong, him being an idiot, hard headed, and the bad one. That's horrible! I have // am going through a scaled situation of this, and I'm not getting into specifics, but to lay yourself down, and admit wrong has got to be one of the hardest things on the planet to do. HA HA, no worries about pride after that... nothing to be proud about, I feel stripped of everything, and naked on the ground, beaten and bruised. I don't want anybody seeing me like this.

I can see where Dad is coming from. I guess the only thing I can do is pray.