I'm getting a little stir crazy. My Brain is complete mush, my eyes are dry from crying over my friend who passed away some months ago.
Its tough, I don't think it was very real to me when it happened. It is as if I were waiting on him to get back from a really long mission trip or something. When he passed away, it did not bother me the way it did some people. I just knew I would see him in the next life. However, what I don't think I realized is how freakin long this life is.
Chris was, and is still, my best friend. I know a lot of people say that, and he had a lot of friends. But I really felt like I knew him for a very long time, and it was an honour to be friends with such a man as him. I don't know if he thinks of me as the same, I just often feel that I am passed over, or that people don't recognize me as being a close friend of his. I kinda feel like I was excluded on alot.
Ah well, besides the point, it certainly doesn't matter now, and the flesh has its on weird fleshy ways of wanting to be reognized. How selfish to even be thinking that way.
My mind is mush, I've been stuck inside from the snow since Sunday night (and its now Thursday 1 am. There is no structure to my life, only chaos. Without structure, all else falls apart.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
1:35 am
It occurred to me that I tend to have alot on my mind around 1am. Sometimes I get nostalgic, miss the past, or simpler days. Life for me is always an uphill battle. When I look to yesterday, it brings me warmth, to see that whatever struggle I was going through is really just water under the bridge.
I read back on my previous posts and realize how I always thought it was the end of the world. Right now as I sit on my bed, trying to ease my mind into the concept of sleeping, I ponder many things.
My struggles have all changed. Where as before, I struggled with school, now I struggle with being part of a team running a start-up company. I guess you could say that I enjoy my job. Other people in my position may see it as a place where they would want to grow comfortable and make a living. I see it as a gateway into a much larger opportunity.
I believe God has used my miserable failures of the past, and transformed where I am at into something that can only be a testament to him. The more I look back on it, the more excited I become about the things my Lord has done, and what I think he is planning on doing.
We are taking heavy risks, and now is a time where we are entirely dependant on God for us to continue to survive. Its a massive battle in front of us. Like with the Lords chosen people and their promised land. And God taking his chosen people out of Egypt. There will be much suffering along the way, but he is with you through it!
I often worry about the future, if we at Sobo Networks/ Cloudburst can pull through and make it. I have analyzed myself quite alot, and I know I don't have the mettle to do this alone. I'm not a hard worker, I can be quite lazy, and I have to be directed. I want to do what is comfortable, and often I am not willing to branch out and think for myself. I have the tendency to slide away from work and procrastinate. I save things for later.
I am a massive procrastinator. It can be my undoing. Alot of times I don't have the inward resolve to get something done, I see tasks to be overwhelming. Take today for instance. I have done next to nothing at work (well, I have had to work from home because we got snowed in haha.. epic never seen this much snow in my entire life, and not to mention, the snow is making me think alot about my old friend Chris Daugherty. I really miss him, I cried today looking through photos of him. I think it is really starting to hit me now, [I will blog about this in a minute].
I have been working to identify my weaknesses, so I can confess them to my Lord, and pray that he help me grow through them. Well anyways, I have no clue what the future holds. I have hopes; I will follow my Lord no matter what the outcome; I think I'm a miserable failure and I am in great need of help.
Take Care!
I read back on my previous posts and realize how I always thought it was the end of the world. Right now as I sit on my bed, trying to ease my mind into the concept of sleeping, I ponder many things.
My struggles have all changed. Where as before, I struggled with school, now I struggle with being part of a team running a start-up company. I guess you could say that I enjoy my job. Other people in my position may see it as a place where they would want to grow comfortable and make a living. I see it as a gateway into a much larger opportunity.
I believe God has used my miserable failures of the past, and transformed where I am at into something that can only be a testament to him. The more I look back on it, the more excited I become about the things my Lord has done, and what I think he is planning on doing.
We are taking heavy risks, and now is a time where we are entirely dependant on God for us to continue to survive. Its a massive battle in front of us. Like with the Lords chosen people and their promised land. And God taking his chosen people out of Egypt. There will be much suffering along the way, but he is with you through it!
I often worry about the future, if we at Sobo Networks/ Cloudburst can pull through and make it. I have analyzed myself quite alot, and I know I don't have the mettle to do this alone. I'm not a hard worker, I can be quite lazy, and I have to be directed. I want to do what is comfortable, and often I am not willing to branch out and think for myself. I have the tendency to slide away from work and procrastinate. I save things for later.
I am a massive procrastinator. It can be my undoing. Alot of times I don't have the inward resolve to get something done, I see tasks to be overwhelming. Take today for instance. I have done next to nothing at work (well, I have had to work from home because we got snowed in haha.. epic never seen this much snow in my entire life, and not to mention, the snow is making me think alot about my old friend Chris Daugherty. I really miss him, I cried today looking through photos of him. I think it is really starting to hit me now, [I will blog about this in a minute].
I have been working to identify my weaknesses, so I can confess them to my Lord, and pray that he help me grow through them. Well anyways, I have no clue what the future holds. I have hopes; I will follow my Lord no matter what the outcome; I think I'm a miserable failure and I am in great need of help.
Take Care!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
New Stuff
I'm not really a creative writer ( yet ) so basically my blog is really just a log.
A log of the events in my life, that may be of no particular interest to anybody reading but me.
I don't mind that at all. in fact if you are reading all of this, and you are not me, either we are in a relationship and are sharing our lives with one another, or you are a creepy stalker.
If you are a creepy stalker, I invite you to feel free to stalk me, but I do not intend to give you any incentivie to pursue me further. You are probably creepy and have emotional issues, I cant deal with that.
Snapshot time:
Today I Rolled into work around 7:40 am. I worked till about 5:20. I set goals and have been learning about carrying a vision for the company. I got home and I played guitar. Dane came over, we went to mcdonalds with karrie and aimee.
I talked to people today. I have made many people laugh. Making people laugh is new to me. I am told I am funny. Thats pretty nice. Pretty much I have an awesome life.
Went looking at furniture at wallmart today. I will probably be moving out of my parents house soon and embarking on a new adventure in rome, God willing.
Hadyn's mom cut my hair today. That was pretty cool. Hadyn is one of my closest friends. I have no idea how the future is going to play out, but I would not complain if I got to be more than friends with her. She is one heck of an awesome person. probably my favorite person right now.
Sometimes she is really insecure. I wish she wasn't. She has no idea just how comparitively beautiful she is to other girls. Every guy practically has a crush on her.
Her mom told me she has alot of respect for me. thats something I highly value.
I need to keep better track of my money. I am giving up too much. Not that i am selfish, just it really should not be considered my money to begin with. I need to budget it. and budget it to glorify God.
A log of the events in my life, that may be of no particular interest to anybody reading but me.
I don't mind that at all. in fact if you are reading all of this, and you are not me, either we are in a relationship and are sharing our lives with one another, or you are a creepy stalker.
If you are a creepy stalker, I invite you to feel free to stalk me, but I do not intend to give you any incentivie to pursue me further. You are probably creepy and have emotional issues, I cant deal with that.
Snapshot time:
Today I Rolled into work around 7:40 am. I worked till about 5:20. I set goals and have been learning about carrying a vision for the company. I got home and I played guitar. Dane came over, we went to mcdonalds with karrie and aimee.
I talked to people today. I have made many people laugh. Making people laugh is new to me. I am told I am funny. Thats pretty nice. Pretty much I have an awesome life.
Went looking at furniture at wallmart today. I will probably be moving out of my parents house soon and embarking on a new adventure in rome, God willing.
Hadyn's mom cut my hair today. That was pretty cool. Hadyn is one of my closest friends. I have no idea how the future is going to play out, but I would not complain if I got to be more than friends with her. She is one heck of an awesome person. probably my favorite person right now.
Sometimes she is really insecure. I wish she wasn't. She has no idea just how comparitively beautiful she is to other girls. Every guy practically has a crush on her.
Her mom told me she has alot of respect for me. thats something I highly value.
I need to keep better track of my money. I am giving up too much. Not that i am selfish, just it really should not be considered my money to begin with. I need to budget it. and budget it to glorify God.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Keeping Myself Going
Here recently, I have had trouble motivating myself to complete cloudburst. Work has become dreadful and tedious and I have not enjoyed it in the way that I normally would.
I have not been wise with my money lately. I have not eaten healthy lately or concentrated on that at all I have treated my body like crap. I do not work out. The only thing I do is keep my brain busy.
I was thinking I need to put my all into project cloudburst. work the time here, learn to enjoy it. When I get bored or stuck on something, move on to something in the same field, such as learning ruby, working on darkbot, or going into a future direction such as the cloudburst 2.0, and the details of our own running hypervisor.
I have not been wise with my money lately. I have not eaten healthy lately or concentrated on that at all I have treated my body like crap. I do not work out. The only thing I do is keep my brain busy.
I was thinking I need to put my all into project cloudburst. work the time here, learn to enjoy it. When I get bored or stuck on something, move on to something in the same field, such as learning ruby, working on darkbot, or going into a future direction such as the cloudburst 2.0, and the details of our own running hypervisor.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
My Stamp
Take a second, calm yourself down. You are working on a very large project, with heavy deadlines. Stressing yourself wont help you succeed.
You know in your head you do not want to put your stamp on this project. You do not feel it is up to par with your standards.
You have done everything you have known to do, and alot of the times you are at a loss for what to do next. Realize your flaws, look at them. Struggle with them and continue to grow. Trust in God and things will eventually work out in the end. He will never give you more than you can handle.
Continue to push yourself to do the things you hate to do, but know need to get done. this is what will set you apart from the rest. Take ownership in the work around you.
You know in your head you do not want to put your stamp on this project. You do not feel it is up to par with your standards.
You have done everything you have known to do, and alot of the times you are at a loss for what to do next. Realize your flaws, look at them. Struggle with them and continue to grow. Trust in God and things will eventually work out in the end. He will never give you more than you can handle.
Continue to push yourself to do the things you hate to do, but know need to get done. this is what will set you apart from the rest. Take ownership in the work around you.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Deception
What would the world be like if everybody were brutally honest. Instead of hiding behind insecurities.
What if when you asked somebody how they felt today, they might tell you that they deeply wanted to talk to you, but were afraid you would reject them?
What if people did not lie, and were truely held accountable for their actions? So many of the problems the world had would disappear, and true character and integrity could be found as a wellspring.
Lies are the blanket that cover sin, and the mask that allows us to suffer alone.
What if when you asked somebody how they felt today, they might tell you that they deeply wanted to talk to you, but were afraid you would reject them?
What if people did not lie, and were truely held accountable for their actions? So many of the problems the world had would disappear, and true character and integrity could be found as a wellspring.
Lies are the blanket that cover sin, and the mask that allows us to suffer alone.
Will Chatman
I was talking to my good friend sydney tonight and she helped me realize quite a bit. Today has been a glorious eye opener to me today.
Its been a bit of a painful day. The one i love so dearly seems to all but hate me, and i'm powerless to do anything but accept it. I'm having to learn how to lay down the desire to be understood, and just let her leave. I've made a ton of mistakes with her and continue to make more. and as much as I would hope for her to be understanding and give second chances, I'm pretty sure she is gone for Good.
I'm starting to try to listen to older and wiser people than me. I asked my friend william chatman today about marriage and the hardest thing he had to learn. His answer was something I have been learning already quite a bit, but quite predictable. "I'm learning to not be selfish and put her needs before mine. " HOW true good man!
What I mainly took from our talk was what he said about business. Even when we own and run our own business, or no matter where we work, we are stewards of what God has given us, and we work for him... he is our boss. so we must remain diligent. God designed us to be diligent.
Its been a bit of a painful day. The one i love so dearly seems to all but hate me, and i'm powerless to do anything but accept it. I'm having to learn how to lay down the desire to be understood, and just let her leave. I've made a ton of mistakes with her and continue to make more. and as much as I would hope for her to be understanding and give second chances, I'm pretty sure she is gone for Good.
I'm starting to try to listen to older and wiser people than me. I asked my friend william chatman today about marriage and the hardest thing he had to learn. His answer was something I have been learning already quite a bit, but quite predictable. "I'm learning to not be selfish and put her needs before mine. " HOW true good man!
What I mainly took from our talk was what he said about business. Even when we own and run our own business, or no matter where we work, we are stewards of what God has given us, and we work for him... he is our boss. so we must remain diligent. God designed us to be diligent.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Growth
As an individual, I find myself in a fascinating new place in Gods plan for my life. He has made it abundantly clear to me, that even though I have messed up, I am still his child, and his plans are to prosper me. I'm finally seeing the light of day after 4 months of stormy gloomy weather, and overcast skys. Its like winter is finally over and the forest is starting to bear fruit once again after a deep slumber. Its something thats so very hard to describe, but I am so very thankful to Jesus for restoring my fellowship with God. I'm beginning to see his plan take root and its very exciting.
I miss bekki alot. I don't know if she is going to be my life partner anymore. I know she is an amazing woman, and I really do love her. I just don't know how much she even wants to be with me. I think honestly, that she loves me, but does not want to be with me like that anymore, and wants somebody a little more interesting or something along those lines. She is so hard to read, every time we get the opportunity to talk, she either ignores me, or is overwhelmingly negative about something, or shoots down what I say.
I want everything to work between her and I, but when we can talk again in another 3 1/2 months, I want us to go to counseling. She is extremely stubborn, and I think she believes I am too. I usually am quick to admit when I am wrong, and want to repair the relationship fast, but I think counseling is the only way we will ever understand one another.
I have become so much stronger after making the mistake I made. I'm no longer dependant on anybody but jesus. Or i truely want to be able to say that with greater accuracy later on down the road.
Today is one of those days I consider a mile marker. Tomorrow I wake up for work at 7 am, and its 2:17 am right now. But considering its a day i'm going to look back upon and be all super nostalgic, I might as well have some memories to go with it. I called Chris around 10 pm, askin if he wanted to go for a walk.. well we went for a walk, ended up pickin up jackson after spying on him outside his window and talking to him on the phone at the same time.. It was so funny, chris and I were laughing so hard. I'm somewhat afraid of jacksons mom. I found a snail in Jacksons yard, and put it on my cellphone, then put it on my car's front window and drove to mcdonalds. Chris,Jackson and I all played around in the kids play area in the mcdonalds on highway 5 at like 1 am in the morning. Good times.
Earlier throughout the day, Aunt Kim came over, Melba and Max ran all over the house all day. And we watched Heroes. Literally Mom and I watched 10 full episodes of heroes. I think I got her addicted, but its fun to watch.
Anyways, I am seriously anxious about cloudburst, but thank you Jesus, that you have given me this opportunity to serve you in this capacity. You lifted me up out of my depression from college. You knew I never thought I would find success and you have given me so much more blessing than I ever could have imagined.
You have blessed my abilities with computers. and even now, as i type this, I can't help but think back to the first blogs I wrote while sitting on omega II, or old blue as I refer to it these days. (Sadly bekki killed old blue....or her house did)
And since you have blessed me so much.. Jesus, I ask just one simple thing. I ask for the relationship between bekki and I to be restored. At least to where we can understand one another, see eye to eye, and there actually be love between us, and if she wants to leave me for the rest of her life then there be understanding and strength on my part to let her go. Or enough fight in me to not be jealous and fight to get her back.
God I ask that you heal my insecurities so that I may know the truth about what I am in your eyes, in light of what scripture says about me, instead of seeing myself through satan's mirror as I do so often. And I pray that I may stay dedicated to you while working at cloudburst, and whatever jobs may come after..
I miss bekki alot. I don't know if she is going to be my life partner anymore. I know she is an amazing woman, and I really do love her. I just don't know how much she even wants to be with me. I think honestly, that she loves me, but does not want to be with me like that anymore, and wants somebody a little more interesting or something along those lines. She is so hard to read, every time we get the opportunity to talk, she either ignores me, or is overwhelmingly negative about something, or shoots down what I say.
I want everything to work between her and I, but when we can talk again in another 3 1/2 months, I want us to go to counseling. She is extremely stubborn, and I think she believes I am too. I usually am quick to admit when I am wrong, and want to repair the relationship fast, but I think counseling is the only way we will ever understand one another.
I have become so much stronger after making the mistake I made. I'm no longer dependant on anybody but jesus. Or i truely want to be able to say that with greater accuracy later on down the road.
Today is one of those days I consider a mile marker. Tomorrow I wake up for work at 7 am, and its 2:17 am right now. But considering its a day i'm going to look back upon and be all super nostalgic, I might as well have some memories to go with it. I called Chris around 10 pm, askin if he wanted to go for a walk.. well we went for a walk, ended up pickin up jackson after spying on him outside his window and talking to him on the phone at the same time.. It was so funny, chris and I were laughing so hard. I'm somewhat afraid of jacksons mom. I found a snail in Jacksons yard, and put it on my cellphone, then put it on my car's front window and drove to mcdonalds. Chris,Jackson and I all played around in the kids play area in the mcdonalds on highway 5 at like 1 am in the morning. Good times.
Earlier throughout the day, Aunt Kim came over, Melba and Max ran all over the house all day. And we watched Heroes. Literally Mom and I watched 10 full episodes of heroes. I think I got her addicted, but its fun to watch.
Anyways, I am seriously anxious about cloudburst, but thank you Jesus, that you have given me this opportunity to serve you in this capacity. You lifted me up out of my depression from college. You knew I never thought I would find success and you have given me so much more blessing than I ever could have imagined.
You have blessed my abilities with computers. and even now, as i type this, I can't help but think back to the first blogs I wrote while sitting on omega II, or old blue as I refer to it these days. (Sadly bekki killed old blue....or her house did)
And since you have blessed me so much.. Jesus, I ask just one simple thing. I ask for the relationship between bekki and I to be restored. At least to where we can understand one another, see eye to eye, and there actually be love between us, and if she wants to leave me for the rest of her life then there be understanding and strength on my part to let her go. Or enough fight in me to not be jealous and fight to get her back.
God I ask that you heal my insecurities so that I may know the truth about what I am in your eyes, in light of what scripture says about me, instead of seeing myself through satan's mirror as I do so often. And I pray that I may stay dedicated to you while working at cloudburst, and whatever jobs may come after..
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
agony
I dont know what to say or think. I know that it is quite possible that I am completely overreacting, and acting only out of fear and hurt. I understand that you want to be trusted, and I truly do try to give you that. I know love isn't about getting its about giving and I know that I am not doing my part. I Know i have constantly failed you.
I know that these times are hard for you. And I know you need friends. And honestly it is certainly not you being anthony's friend that bothers me at all anymore. I mean yeah, I guess it can scare me a little, but I know that is completely natural, and acceptable. The problem is, I dont know anything about that friendship. and I have a feeling you guys are growing closer, just like you and I did a long time back. The way i see it, is that anthony now owns that cherished friendship with you I had a long time back.
its the fact, that you made a promise to me, and I put my trust that you said you weren't going to talk to him. Yet I hear from chelsea that you text him every day. I'm sorry for being a tight butt, but I really am Glad you have friends, I truly want you to have them, but I just feel a little betrayed by this.
I mean you did ask me specifically to trust you, that you wouldn't talk to him. And that was a big deal to me. It took so much energy to just let it go. And I have throughout the past month often wondered, and convinced myself that you were not. But the truth is the entire time you were. You broke one of the promises that meant the most to me.
It makes me wonder if this whole situation is a test for you to see that I am working. I feel that if i even slip up a little you will leave me. I cant handle that sort of pressure. Especially since I cant even talk to you. I have felt ever since this whole anthony situation came about that if i take a wrong step or something, your gonna reject me entirely.
I am still here bekki. I am still waiting. I just have a fear, or a dream i keep having, where I go up to give you this awesome birthday present on your birthday, and you wont even take it. Your sitting next to anthony, and refuse to even acknowledge me because you want anthony to know he is the one who is loved now..
I apologize if this letter makes you think any less of me. I'm sorry if i have failed you yet again. But I dont even know what to do. I feel like this entire relationship falls upon me not messing up anymore. And anthony makes a good backup. Please... I am not even asking for you to stop talking to him. I really just want to understand this from your perspective, but i just dont. I know all i can see right now is just pain, rejection, and the feeling of betrayal. Please help me understand.
I still love you.
I know that these times are hard for you. And I know you need friends. And honestly it is certainly not you being anthony's friend that bothers me at all anymore. I mean yeah, I guess it can scare me a little, but I know that is completely natural, and acceptable. The problem is, I dont know anything about that friendship. and I have a feeling you guys are growing closer, just like you and I did a long time back. The way i see it, is that anthony now owns that cherished friendship with you I had a long time back.
its the fact, that you made a promise to me, and I put my trust that you said you weren't going to talk to him. Yet I hear from chelsea that you text him every day. I'm sorry for being a tight butt, but I really am Glad you have friends, I truly want you to have them, but I just feel a little betrayed by this.
I mean you did ask me specifically to trust you, that you wouldn't talk to him. And that was a big deal to me. It took so much energy to just let it go. And I have throughout the past month often wondered, and convinced myself that you were not. But the truth is the entire time you were. You broke one of the promises that meant the most to me.
It makes me wonder if this whole situation is a test for you to see that I am working. I feel that if i even slip up a little you will leave me. I cant handle that sort of pressure. Especially since I cant even talk to you. I have felt ever since this whole anthony situation came about that if i take a wrong step or something, your gonna reject me entirely.
I am still here bekki. I am still waiting. I just have a fear, or a dream i keep having, where I go up to give you this awesome birthday present on your birthday, and you wont even take it. Your sitting next to anthony, and refuse to even acknowledge me because you want anthony to know he is the one who is loved now..
I apologize if this letter makes you think any less of me. I'm sorry if i have failed you yet again. But I dont even know what to do. I feel like this entire relationship falls upon me not messing up anymore. And anthony makes a good backup. Please... I am not even asking for you to stop talking to him. I really just want to understand this from your perspective, but i just dont. I know all i can see right now is just pain, rejection, and the feeling of betrayal. Please help me understand.
I still love you.
Monday, July 27, 2009
and I love you for it
... And I love you for it.
Being away from you made me start thinking of things in the past. How you and I took a long walk in the woods with daniel and tried to get lost, and ended up on some road we have never seen before. How we walked past this guys house, and saw a bunch of tires, and weird satellite dishes. How it was a warm, somewhat rainy winter day. It was Christmas Eve, and I couldn't have had a happier one.
On the walk home, I started singing Laundry Day, from Dr. Horrible. I remember having wanted you to see it for a long time. I love how you love peace signs and recycling. I love You for your hippy like attitude. I love your taste in music, even though it is not the same as my own, when you are gone, I cant help but to listen to juno, showbread, and miss you greatly. I want to sit and watch curious George with you,
I want to be able to tuck you in at night again.Its the simple things about you that I miss so much. Nobody could ever take your place.I love your rebellious nature, and how you are halfway vegetarian.
Remember the time on Christmas eve, where we went to the mall and walked around in the woods.. That is one of my happiest memories. Daniel and I fought each other with our coats on the top of that little bridge over the creek. When it was time to take you home, chris and josh drove you guys home, but before that we sat outside in the parking lot splashing eachother with water. I remember feeling so anxious to stay by your side.
It hurts inside all the time to not see your face, hear your voice, or be there when you smile. I want you to smile more bekki. I love you. You mean soso so much to me.
I found out this morning... I was just randomly talking to jenna since she was the only one online at the moment. And was telling her that i missed you and stuff. Then she said she had to go since you were waking up. I didn't even know she was at your house. My heart almost leapt out of my chest just at the thought of you sitting there sleeping, wiping your eyes as you wake up. I wanted to be there and hug you.. Sit next to you. Or tuck you in as you go to bed. Every time I think of you, I initially have a surge of adrenaline like i just got pushed out of a jet aircraft. I just want to see your face, and talk to you. But then my spirits drown when i quickly remember, i can no longer speak.
Bekki, I love you with everything I am.. and I think the longest I have gone without thinking about you is 10 minutes.
I cant wait for you to be able to read these letters. And i cant wait to at least be able to tweet you with on twitter so everybody in the galaxy will know i love you.
Being away from you made me start thinking of things in the past. How you and I took a long walk in the woods with daniel and tried to get lost, and ended up on some road we have never seen before. How we walked past this guys house, and saw a bunch of tires, and weird satellite dishes. How it was a warm, somewhat rainy winter day. It was Christmas Eve, and I couldn't have had a happier one.
On the walk home, I started singing Laundry Day, from Dr. Horrible. I remember having wanted you to see it for a long time. I love how you love peace signs and recycling. I love You for your hippy like attitude. I love your taste in music, even though it is not the same as my own, when you are gone, I cant help but to listen to juno, showbread, and miss you greatly. I want to sit and watch curious George with you,
I want to be able to tuck you in at night again.Its the simple things about you that I miss so much. Nobody could ever take your place.I love your rebellious nature, and how you are halfway vegetarian.
Remember the time on Christmas eve, where we went to the mall and walked around in the woods.. That is one of my happiest memories. Daniel and I fought each other with our coats on the top of that little bridge over the creek. When it was time to take you home, chris and josh drove you guys home, but before that we sat outside in the parking lot splashing eachother with water. I remember feeling so anxious to stay by your side.
It hurts inside all the time to not see your face, hear your voice, or be there when you smile. I want you to smile more bekki. I love you. You mean soso so much to me.
I found out this morning... I was just randomly talking to jenna since she was the only one online at the moment. And was telling her that i missed you and stuff. Then she said she had to go since you were waking up. I didn't even know she was at your house. My heart almost leapt out of my chest just at the thought of you sitting there sleeping, wiping your eyes as you wake up. I wanted to be there and hug you.. Sit next to you. Or tuck you in as you go to bed. Every time I think of you, I initially have a surge of adrenaline like i just got pushed out of a jet aircraft. I just want to see your face, and talk to you. But then my spirits drown when i quickly remember, i can no longer speak.
Bekki, I love you with everything I am.. and I think the longest I have gone without thinking about you is 10 minutes.
I cant wait for you to be able to read these letters. And i cant wait to at least be able to tweet you with on twitter so everybody in the galaxy will know i love you.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
butter knife
To be honest with you. I am in more pain than I ever remember going through. I don't know how to let it out. I don't know why God is letting this happen to me, and I often wonder what I did to deserve this. I think I try to do everything in my life that glorifies God.
I mean I love this girl I really do. I love to be around her, I love her personality, but her past rips my heart in shreds. So does true love ever care about the past? No, the bible says that love keeps no record of wrongs, yet here I am tallying down her faults. Love is not selfish yet everything I do is completely self centered. Love does not boast, it is not easily angered. I mean just looking at 1 Corinthians 13 I realize that there is no love in me, just simple infatuation and pain.
To be honest I don't want anybody else except for her, however, I want her without all that yuckie past. Is it my job to look passed all of this? I have no idea what I am doing, and I make all the wrong movies and I'm completely stuck in this sin rut.
I feel like no matter what I do I am going to hurt her and I don't want to do that. She has been through so so much stuff in her life, that I just feel that is completely unfair. I mean she should never have had to go through that. She is too young, too innocent, and kind and just...deserves so much more than all of that. I mean i feel like she deserves so much more than I have to offer her..She needs a guy without doubts, somebody who is going to protect her, and love her no matter what.
So then I start to think, as I look at that mirror. How are my sins any different than hers? They pull me away from God just as much. I am just as broken in front of the lord, but not in my heart. I categorize my sins. I think all of this doubt comes from my self deception, and believing I am somehow different when I am not.
Any relationship is going to have its struggles, and these struggles offer us opportunities to draw closer to one another, and to work through something rough with somebody builds a relationship to stronger unprecedented levels, and can quickly advance things if they trust you. Maybe that is what happened. At this moment in my life, I am in more need of Gods guidance and direction than at any time before. Just help me Jesus.. Help me to see her the way you do. Help me to see myself the way you do. Help me to just see you!
I mean I love this girl I really do. I love to be around her, I love her personality, but her past rips my heart in shreds. So does true love ever care about the past? No, the bible says that love keeps no record of wrongs, yet here I am tallying down her faults. Love is not selfish yet everything I do is completely self centered. Love does not boast, it is not easily angered. I mean just looking at 1 Corinthians 13 I realize that there is no love in me, just simple infatuation and pain.
To be honest I don't want anybody else except for her, however, I want her without all that yuckie past. Is it my job to look passed all of this? I have no idea what I am doing, and I make all the wrong movies and I'm completely stuck in this sin rut.
I feel like no matter what I do I am going to hurt her and I don't want to do that. She has been through so so much stuff in her life, that I just feel that is completely unfair. I mean she should never have had to go through that. She is too young, too innocent, and kind and just...deserves so much more than all of that. I mean i feel like she deserves so much more than I have to offer her..She needs a guy without doubts, somebody who is going to protect her, and love her no matter what.
So then I start to think, as I look at that mirror. How are my sins any different than hers? They pull me away from God just as much. I am just as broken in front of the lord, but not in my heart. I categorize my sins. I think all of this doubt comes from my self deception, and believing I am somehow different when I am not.
Any relationship is going to have its struggles, and these struggles offer us opportunities to draw closer to one another, and to work through something rough with somebody builds a relationship to stronger unprecedented levels, and can quickly advance things if they trust you. Maybe that is what happened. At this moment in my life, I am in more need of Gods guidance and direction than at any time before. Just help me Jesus.. Help me to see her the way you do. Help me to see myself the way you do. Help me to just see you!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
[A]bort [R]etry [[F]]ail
Ever just have so much on your mind, that you cant sleep. My life is insane right now. Everything is upside down and completely out of control. One second i find myself thinking i'm a genious, the next i'm a moron.
This year I managed to get myself enrolled in a cs3000 level class with database engineering. Skipping about 2 -3 prereqs. I think I was really just looking for a challenge. Ended up with alot more than I bargained for, and when the chance came to drop it, I kept it.
The problem in this class is not the material, or anything else but myself.. I could hit myself time and time again for browsing the web when the teacher is talking. It comes so naturally, habitually. She talks so booringly, in a deep chinese accent, talking about the same concepts we have been covering for the longest time. Nothing new happens, nothing challenging..but when it comes time to do something I am clueless.
I come in on the test day, feeling fully and adequately prepared. I take the test and turn it in expecting, no less than an 80, and maybe even a 95. I remember proudly walking up to the teacher, second person to turn it in, and giving it to her hand. Walking out of it, I wanted to call my mother, the anxiety of the test day subsiding, completely confident , about to tell her I probably made an A. I decided against it, usually when I tell my mother I did good, I get the actual test back and I failed..so wanting to suprise her, and not bother her with something she did not need to hear, I kept it to myself.. Reguardless of all that, I walk in on the next day and get a 64 in my hand. MARKED OFF FOR THE LAMEST BS EVER!!! I fully demonstrated I knew the concepts, I felt the paper wasn't clear enough. take this for example, I lost about 5 points on this because I used shorthand.
bankcode reference bank bankcode
I wrote the fullversion the first few lines, the last few I just wrote the important part, I mean, its impossible to not know what I was talking about, any idiot can have gotten what I was pointing at. Its hard to explain but its dreadfully obvious. I would need to draw a picture..no time for that.. Some of the things were legitimate, but honestly I got marked off for really small stuff, and it took away many many more points than it should have.
The teacher told me she regrets even letting me in the class. To be honest I dont blame her. right after that, with all intentions to do well and a new footing I went to the next class expecting to be fully prepared. I arrive, book ready, pencil eager to take notes, the student next to me pokes me on the shoulder asks me if he can see my homework. I wanted so badly to jump out of the window in shame.
Why am I not praying, why am I not reading the bible? I think the desire is there but not the discipline.. I hate having to have disipline, its retarded. I miss good old highschool where I could ace pretty much any test without even cracking open the book. Just listen in class, do homework in class, everything was pretty well made for me.
I'm a wreck. I'm on probation as an RA, I'm doing bad in RA class.. Come on RA class is supposed to be eazy breezy. Can't we just restart this year... give me a clean slate or something. I've made some really bad decisions.
This all boils down to complete disorganization. Its my aquilles heel. except, I dont have superpowers to begin with..so lets just say its ... yeah..school just kicked me in the nutsack.
This year I managed to get myself enrolled in a cs3000 level class with database engineering. Skipping about 2 -3 prereqs. I think I was really just looking for a challenge. Ended up with alot more than I bargained for, and when the chance came to drop it, I kept it.
The problem in this class is not the material, or anything else but myself.. I could hit myself time and time again for browsing the web when the teacher is talking. It comes so naturally, habitually. She talks so booringly, in a deep chinese accent, talking about the same concepts we have been covering for the longest time. Nothing new happens, nothing challenging..but when it comes time to do something I am clueless.
I come in on the test day, feeling fully and adequately prepared. I take the test and turn it in expecting, no less than an 80, and maybe even a 95. I remember proudly walking up to the teacher, second person to turn it in, and giving it to her hand. Walking out of it, I wanted to call my mother, the anxiety of the test day subsiding, completely confident , about to tell her I probably made an A. I decided against it, usually when I tell my mother I did good, I get the actual test back and I failed..so wanting to suprise her, and not bother her with something she did not need to hear, I kept it to myself.. Reguardless of all that, I walk in on the next day and get a 64 in my hand. MARKED OFF FOR THE LAMEST BS EVER!!! I fully demonstrated I knew the concepts, I felt the paper wasn't clear enough. take this for example, I lost about 5 points on this because I used shorthand.
bankcode reference bank bankcode
I wrote the fullversion the first few lines, the last few I just wrote the important part, I mean, its impossible to not know what I was talking about, any idiot can have gotten what I was pointing at. Its hard to explain but its dreadfully obvious. I would need to draw a picture..no time for that.. Some of the things were legitimate, but honestly I got marked off for really small stuff, and it took away many many more points than it should have.
The teacher told me she regrets even letting me in the class. To be honest I dont blame her. right after that, with all intentions to do well and a new footing I went to the next class expecting to be fully prepared. I arrive, book ready, pencil eager to take notes, the student next to me pokes me on the shoulder asks me if he can see my homework. I wanted so badly to jump out of the window in shame.
Why am I not praying, why am I not reading the bible? I think the desire is there but not the discipline.. I hate having to have disipline, its retarded. I miss good old highschool where I could ace pretty much any test without even cracking open the book. Just listen in class, do homework in class, everything was pretty well made for me.
I'm a wreck. I'm on probation as an RA, I'm doing bad in RA class.. Come on RA class is supposed to be eazy breezy. Can't we just restart this year... give me a clean slate or something. I've made some really bad decisions.
This all boils down to complete disorganization. Its my aquilles heel. except, I dont have superpowers to begin with..so lets just say its ... yeah..school just kicked me in the nutsack.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
its 3 am
Well I have not posted in a long time, and now that it is 3 am in the morning on march the third, and it is friggin hot outside, and i cant sleep, i decided to make a post. First thing, I want to be alot closer to God than I am now. SEcond thing, i want my sense of self worth to have nothing to do with what girls think of me, but be dependant on that of god alone...third thing, I want God to write my love story and have control of that. I suck at it...
Finally, college is hard, 1 it is hard to get motivated, 2 things sneak up and kill you, 3 nobody cares whether you pass or fail, it all depends on you, and that is the most weird thing about it....nobody cares at all... I never thought i would say this, but i really miss highschool...oh and that summer before ftc, when jenna, me lee and... well me again went to six flags, i think chris came, not sure if he did or not i cant remember but htat was fun, or the time me will nelson, and drake lucas went to six flags...that was pretty friggin cool i dont think i will ever forget that...
I always write when nostalgia creeps in on me. I've been thinking alot, i want to go back to a youth camp or something...and omgsh...brooke...I wish she would at least talk to me. I cant be that bad of a person to not even talk eh? I would say "if she had any idea how much i cared for her, she would completely change" but...as my grandmother and a few other poeple have told me this before, ...all it did was creap me the ...heck out...so no... I think i need to show her how much i dont care....yeah.. or at least make her think i dont i dont know how her mind works...but i tell you the truth it is not normal at all...I like that...but still it would be nice if she could at least talk to me.
It seems every time i write it is something nostalgic..sure i miss the past alot, and I have trouble getting over the loss of good friends...I am the kinda guy who keeps a select few close to me and i dont like changing them out...sure i love meeting new people but i have a hard time letting them close to me. I should probably just say that I am frustrated with the stresses of college...perhaps instead of looking backwards into better times, i should look forwards into better times.
Finally, college is hard, 1 it is hard to get motivated, 2 things sneak up and kill you, 3 nobody cares whether you pass or fail, it all depends on you, and that is the most weird thing about it....nobody cares at all... I never thought i would say this, but i really miss highschool...oh and that summer before ftc, when jenna, me lee and... well me again went to six flags, i think chris came, not sure if he did or not i cant remember but htat was fun, or the time me will nelson, and drake lucas went to six flags...that was pretty friggin cool i dont think i will ever forget that...
I always write when nostalgia creeps in on me. I've been thinking alot, i want to go back to a youth camp or something...and omgsh...brooke...I wish she would at least talk to me. I cant be that bad of a person to not even talk eh? I would say "if she had any idea how much i cared for her, she would completely change" but...as my grandmother and a few other poeple have told me this before, ...all it did was creap me the ...heck out...so no... I think i need to show her how much i dont care....yeah.. or at least make her think i dont i dont know how her mind works...but i tell you the truth it is not normal at all...I like that...but still it would be nice if she could at least talk to me.
It seems every time i write it is something nostalgic..sure i miss the past alot, and I have trouble getting over the loss of good friends...I am the kinda guy who keeps a select few close to me and i dont like changing them out...sure i love meeting new people but i have a hard time letting them close to me. I should probably just say that I am frustrated with the stresses of college...perhaps instead of looking backwards into better times, i should look forwards into better times.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Nostalgic
Its 5 am now, I just finished my last post. I had planned to continue it to here, but It seemed that the other post needed to be concluded as this is a complete topic shift. I covered most the serious stuff in that. Now I just cant sleep, and am thinking back to my high school days. I have been playing halo 3 all night trying to finish the campaign.
It reminds me of playing halo in mr smarts class. Life was so simple back then. I know I probably say this alot, but I'm pretty sure this is one of the most stressful times in a regular Americans life. Thats Just america Now. I learned some extremely deperessing statistics at the New Years Conference I attended. Of the world population only .6% will ever attend college. only 66% can even read. The world is not rich Like we americans tend to believe. I dont see how we can look right on passed the issue of poverty. Did you know that if americans spent 10% of what we spend every year for christmas, we could easily solve the worlds hunger problems, and implement long lasting systems of hunting and gathering and what not... I consider myself greatly blessed to be exactly where I am.
I only Pray that God opens my eyes more and more to the problems in the world, and If Jesus tarries, I would Like for him to lead me to help in some way.
I miss high school...I love college... Miss FTC... Need to look forward more, but i think what I hate most is loosing friends, as time moves along and lifes journey leads us elsewhere. I take it to heart greatly when I loose a friend, especially because of life.
I'm tired, its 5 am...I have church at 9... need sleep..and think i have gotten everything off from my mind.
It reminds me of playing halo in mr smarts class. Life was so simple back then. I know I probably say this alot, but I'm pretty sure this is one of the most stressful times in a regular Americans life. Thats Just america Now. I learned some extremely deperessing statistics at the New Years Conference I attended. Of the world population only .6% will ever attend college. only 66% can even read. The world is not rich Like we americans tend to believe. I dont see how we can look right on passed the issue of poverty. Did you know that if americans spent 10% of what we spend every year for christmas, we could easily solve the worlds hunger problems, and implement long lasting systems of hunting and gathering and what not... I consider myself greatly blessed to be exactly where I am.
I only Pray that God opens my eyes more and more to the problems in the world, and If Jesus tarries, I would Like for him to lead me to help in some way.
I miss high school...I love college... Miss FTC... Need to look forward more, but i think what I hate most is loosing friends, as time moves along and lifes journey leads us elsewhere. I take it to heart greatly when I loose a friend, especially because of life.
I'm tired, its 5 am...I have church at 9... need sleep..and think i have gotten everything off from my mind.
The Stressed Nostalgic
Here I am again. It is 4 am. Last time I wrote to you, it was the last day of the semester. Many things have happened then, and many more things have happened now. I think I'll start off with some good news, I did well on that final, or, perhaps I did well enough to give me a passing grade in the class. Not only that, but Through the grace of God, I even managed to pass that computer science class, which I was sure beyond the shadow of a doubt I had failed. So my mother and I check my grades, and I have a 3.0 GPA. Wow! I'm off on a good run for hope again.
Throughout the break, I have had serious doubts about me being able to get admitted back in. for one, thinking of myself as a failure has had me seriously stressed and disheartened. For instance, I have had some class scheduling issues, serious class scheduling issues. I got advised and was unaware that I had to sign up for the classes on banweb, so then i redid it, and had a really junky schedule afterwards, getting second pick on everything. Next they delete that schedule the next day, because we had not paid on time.
So I am stressing over this the whole winter break, add to the top of it, I always feel like I am probably one of the worst people on the planet..(This is simply because One: I probably take things way too seriously if I hurt somebodies feelings, or wrong them, and Two: this whole lust issue burns so deep in to my soul, I want to cry about it every day).
So you take those stresses and compound it with a guys natural drive to get married, and feeling inadequate, especially since the Girl I believe in the most is so afraid of me, and that it is my fault, for this entire situation. Honestly though I cant even think of her anymore, it brings up way too much pain, and I am stressed enough as it is. Perhaps I am wrong but I am nearly positive that I am correct, but I believe that I am too spiritually immature, that to be in a relationship with her anyways, would be a disadvantage to her, because it would be unequally yoked.
The words, "I am Just not Good enough", echo throughout the deep corridors of my mind, the chambers of my heart reverberate deep feelings of inadequacy, and the pangs of sorrow and regret consume my mind like a fire
I have a hope for me in the road ahead, whatever character flaws I have now, I Will have plenty of time to have God work them out in me over the summer during beach project. I have sort of mixed feelings about this. I know for sure that it is Gods will for me, but I know it is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. 10 weeks away from all of my family, going to a place where I don't know anybody at all, working my tail off with a 40+hr job, typical 9-5, with many seminars in the evenings and very little free time. Yeah, Gods definitely leading me there, I just know this is going to hurt.
I recently went on conference with many of the people who are going to do beach project. It was exciting, and God moved on my heart, It was painful, to have things go so deep, as I've said to many of my friends asking about it, I compared it to surgery removing a deadly cancer. Yeah it doesn't feel good, but it will save your life.
Anyways I get back to my home town on a spiritual high, speed off to my church, pray with people and do the thing, go to church and am real excited, and then go home, and let the whole lust thing dominate me... and now I feel like I am total trash not worthy of anything...Sure even on the spiritual High, I have nothing more to offer God but dirty rags. And really I am just as wicked, even, and whatever on the spiritual high. But This is NOT where I want to be...I want to hear Gods voice, I want to follow his will, I want to share his heart and see things at least in some part the way he sees them.
Throughout the break, I have had serious doubts about me being able to get admitted back in. for one, thinking of myself as a failure has had me seriously stressed and disheartened. For instance, I have had some class scheduling issues, serious class scheduling issues. I got advised and was unaware that I had to sign up for the classes on banweb, so then i redid it, and had a really junky schedule afterwards, getting second pick on everything. Next they delete that schedule the next day, because we had not paid on time.
So I am stressing over this the whole winter break, add to the top of it, I always feel like I am probably one of the worst people on the planet..(This is simply because One: I probably take things way too seriously if I hurt somebodies feelings, or wrong them, and Two: this whole lust issue burns so deep in to my soul, I want to cry about it every day).
So you take those stresses and compound it with a guys natural drive to get married, and feeling inadequate, especially since the Girl I believe in the most is so afraid of me, and that it is my fault, for this entire situation. Honestly though I cant even think of her anymore, it brings up way too much pain, and I am stressed enough as it is. Perhaps I am wrong but I am nearly positive that I am correct, but I believe that I am too spiritually immature, that to be in a relationship with her anyways, would be a disadvantage to her, because it would be unequally yoked.
The words, "I am Just not Good enough", echo throughout the deep corridors of my mind, the chambers of my heart reverberate deep feelings of inadequacy, and the pangs of sorrow and regret consume my mind like a fire
I have a hope for me in the road ahead, whatever character flaws I have now, I Will have plenty of time to have God work them out in me over the summer during beach project. I have sort of mixed feelings about this. I know for sure that it is Gods will for me, but I know it is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. 10 weeks away from all of my family, going to a place where I don't know anybody at all, working my tail off with a 40+hr job, typical 9-5, with many seminars in the evenings and very little free time. Yeah, Gods definitely leading me there, I just know this is going to hurt.
I recently went on conference with many of the people who are going to do beach project. It was exciting, and God moved on my heart, It was painful, to have things go so deep, as I've said to many of my friends asking about it, I compared it to surgery removing a deadly cancer. Yeah it doesn't feel good, but it will save your life.
Anyways I get back to my home town on a spiritual high, speed off to my church, pray with people and do the thing, go to church and am real excited, and then go home, and let the whole lust thing dominate me... and now I feel like I am total trash not worthy of anything...Sure even on the spiritual High, I have nothing more to offer God but dirty rags. And really I am just as wicked, even, and whatever on the spiritual high. But This is NOT where I want to be...I want to hear Gods voice, I want to follow his will, I want to share his heart and see things at least in some part the way he sees them.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Broken Mirror
Everything I have done so far is either been me trying to get closer to god, or going my own way, or apologizing for doing the wrong thing. For the most part, I would have to say that everything within the passed 19 years has been the last two options. Its hard to say how much I really move for God. Maybe perhaps those times when I convince myself I am moving towards God, I am in fact moving towards my own personal ambitions, perhaps trying to clear my conscience, perhaps to feel good about myself, or maybe to impress somebody, that might perhaps be of the opposite gender.
It brings me to question myself lately. I cant see who I am in the mirror. I cannot tell who I am inside, beyond the appearance. Do I truly love God, or do I Love people thinking I am a good person. I can no longer find my reason in life. For the longest time, I lived to get through high school, and I lived to please my parents. Now in near independence of my parents, and being of age I realize the scope of my life, and how small and insignificant I am to the world. I realize how easily I can die, or how quickly it can happen.
How can I care what others think of me, when I dont even know what I think of myself. I miss simplicity. I miss my old friends. I miss slacking off in mr smarts class, while we were supposed to be doing online course work and playing videogames instead. I miss getting into trouble for not doing homework, I miss having a curfew. I miss being in school 7 hours a day and getting to meet new friends. I miss not having to worry about why I am here, but just existing, as if there were no other reason to be there. To me then there was no higher purpose.
Oh the days when I had less on my mind, and nothing to worry about. Those days when I was so consumed in the girl of my dreams, or finding the one I was supposed to be with. Is there even a such thing as predestination such as that. Or does it even matter, after all, a soulmate still is temporary. How fleeting our lives are, and how meaningless. We toil day and night, and work as hard as we can, to survive, to feed ourselves, without food, we die. You would think growing up as a kid, there is no way we could ever run out of food, at least thats the conception in america. Being in college you study how things are done and I soon realize how easily the economy could crumble, and our “marvelous” society could quickly become third world with people scavenging for food.
You see, Most people dont think upon these things, its unpleasant and it leaves one with a sense of helplessness, and weakness. We can die just as easily as the dead roadkill you passed on the road home...Yes my friend that could be you. When we die, we are remembered for a few days by our closest friends, a few weeks by or family, and forever by our immediate family, even then, their lives will continue on without us. We are trapped in an endless cycle of life and death.
Days like today really suck. Here I am at 4:11 in the morning, I have to wake up at 8, to take my precalc final, and I could fail the class. I cant sleep, I'm ready to get out of this jail cell of a college, go home to simplicity, where I can loose myself in programming, servers, and creating networks, watching movies, and being around those who actually care about me.
Got home and roomate basically wanted me out of the room, and being what I needed to do, instead of talking to him ( he can be eaten by a hamster for all I care), I went to my friend George, who is also an RA for counseling. He had to document what roomie had done, its just procedure. What do I care though I did what I could.
Long story short I did what I thought was right, and then I learn that I am a coward, and not a man. Hes just mad, he says i'm jealous, but seriously I'm not jealous of him. I hate when he calls himself righteous, and says that God is on his side. I doubt it, the jerk, hes always a complete bunghole to me and treats me like the dirt under his shoe.
But it did make me think about the one girl I actually do like, and how now she is going out with my closest friend. I dont think I can be on a talking level with him anymore. I forgive him as I dont blame him for doing what he has done. We are both human, but as such , a human, I dont think I have ever been hurt so bad as this, and do not wish to continue being his friend. But god bless him in everything he does, because he has been a man I could trust, and I love him as my little brother, but its just too much for me.
I feel very inadequate, I couldn't talk to her at all. I have caused all the troubles in my life, and my heart burns for her so much. I love her, or do I love the concept of being with her... I still belive God had told me that it was her I was to marry, If thats still true, my lord, please release my heart to follow your will, I am in too much pain and hurt, and complete sadness and solitude. Its times like these I feel that I am in complete solitude, the only other person looking after me is my mother.
I miss having friends that I can count on. I miss my child hood, I miss being close to God. And I miss home. Get me out of this Jail Cell of a college dorm room. I leave as early as I can tomorrow, no matter how tired I am I am getting the Heck out of here. I'm tired of studying and cramming for my final, which I feel that I am going to fail today..
Anyways, I think my mind is somewhat clear....
It still burns with passion for the girl, but thats always been there, and I think I can learn to ignore it, its just so much harder at night, to know that I have no chance at all anymore, she is going out with my friend... I feel so betrayed, him of all people did that to me, and he would be the one I would trust in, to help get me through this situation... I am left with Nothing, and I am empty.
I haven't cried in over 4 years...and I dont think I can, because If I am not crying now, I dont think I will ever cry again.
Oh help me Lord...Deliver Me from my enemies. Take me under your wing and shelter me from this horrible storm father. I am in a barren land, and my enemies stand poised at my borders, ready to attack. Lift your hand, take me back to you, where I can once again see your face and have fellowship with you.
It brings me to question myself lately. I cant see who I am in the mirror. I cannot tell who I am inside, beyond the appearance. Do I truly love God, or do I Love people thinking I am a good person. I can no longer find my reason in life. For the longest time, I lived to get through high school, and I lived to please my parents. Now in near independence of my parents, and being of age I realize the scope of my life, and how small and insignificant I am to the world. I realize how easily I can die, or how quickly it can happen.
How can I care what others think of me, when I dont even know what I think of myself. I miss simplicity. I miss my old friends. I miss slacking off in mr smarts class, while we were supposed to be doing online course work and playing videogames instead. I miss getting into trouble for not doing homework, I miss having a curfew. I miss being in school 7 hours a day and getting to meet new friends. I miss not having to worry about why I am here, but just existing, as if there were no other reason to be there. To me then there was no higher purpose.
Oh the days when I had less on my mind, and nothing to worry about. Those days when I was so consumed in the girl of my dreams, or finding the one I was supposed to be with. Is there even a such thing as predestination such as that. Or does it even matter, after all, a soulmate still is temporary. How fleeting our lives are, and how meaningless. We toil day and night, and work as hard as we can, to survive, to feed ourselves, without food, we die. You would think growing up as a kid, there is no way we could ever run out of food, at least thats the conception in america. Being in college you study how things are done and I soon realize how easily the economy could crumble, and our “marvelous” society could quickly become third world with people scavenging for food.
You see, Most people dont think upon these things, its unpleasant and it leaves one with a sense of helplessness, and weakness. We can die just as easily as the dead roadkill you passed on the road home...Yes my friend that could be you. When we die, we are remembered for a few days by our closest friends, a few weeks by or family, and forever by our immediate family, even then, their lives will continue on without us. We are trapped in an endless cycle of life and death.
Days like today really suck. Here I am at 4:11 in the morning, I have to wake up at 8, to take my precalc final, and I could fail the class. I cant sleep, I'm ready to get out of this jail cell of a college, go home to simplicity, where I can loose myself in programming, servers, and creating networks, watching movies, and being around those who actually care about me.
Got home and roomate basically wanted me out of the room, and being what I needed to do, instead of talking to him ( he can be eaten by a hamster for all I care), I went to my friend George, who is also an RA for counseling. He had to document what roomie had done, its just procedure. What do I care though I did what I could.
Long story short I did what I thought was right, and then I learn that I am a coward, and not a man. Hes just mad, he says i'm jealous, but seriously I'm not jealous of him. I hate when he calls himself righteous, and says that God is on his side. I doubt it, the jerk, hes always a complete bunghole to me and treats me like the dirt under his shoe.
But it did make me think about the one girl I actually do like, and how now she is going out with my closest friend. I dont think I can be on a talking level with him anymore. I forgive him as I dont blame him for doing what he has done. We are both human, but as such , a human, I dont think I have ever been hurt so bad as this, and do not wish to continue being his friend. But god bless him in everything he does, because he has been a man I could trust, and I love him as my little brother, but its just too much for me.
I feel very inadequate, I couldn't talk to her at all. I have caused all the troubles in my life, and my heart burns for her so much. I love her, or do I love the concept of being with her... I still belive God had told me that it was her I was to marry, If thats still true, my lord, please release my heart to follow your will, I am in too much pain and hurt, and complete sadness and solitude. Its times like these I feel that I am in complete solitude, the only other person looking after me is my mother.
I miss having friends that I can count on. I miss my child hood, I miss being close to God. And I miss home. Get me out of this Jail Cell of a college dorm room. I leave as early as I can tomorrow, no matter how tired I am I am getting the Heck out of here. I'm tired of studying and cramming for my final, which I feel that I am going to fail today..
Anyways, I think my mind is somewhat clear....
It still burns with passion for the girl, but thats always been there, and I think I can learn to ignore it, its just so much harder at night, to know that I have no chance at all anymore, she is going out with my friend... I feel so betrayed, him of all people did that to me, and he would be the one I would trust in, to help get me through this situation... I am left with Nothing, and I am empty.
I haven't cried in over 4 years...and I dont think I can, because If I am not crying now, I dont think I will ever cry again.
Oh help me Lord...Deliver Me from my enemies. Take me under your wing and shelter me from this horrible storm father. I am in a barren land, and my enemies stand poised at my borders, ready to attack. Lift your hand, take me back to you, where I can once again see your face and have fellowship with you.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
sarah and ethan
first Chapter named bombshell
The appearance of Sarah and Ethan
* Start out with describing ethan, and use the context of him with his friend .
(need name for friend, jon, wes, will, chris?)
* Using the Setting of the Church Youth Group environment Introduce various friends , then the appearance of sarah ordeal comes up... Ethan is talking fine, but when sarah walks by, ethan freezes up. will notices him, and does the guy thing, hits him on the back and tells him hes acting strange or something along those lines. Ethan Just sighs, and becomes somewhat silent, and goes to be alone for a while, freshens up in the bathroom or something....
move on to next scene
The appearance of Sarah and Ethan
* Start out with describing ethan, and use the context of him with his friend .
(need name for friend, jon, wes, will, chris?)
* Using the Setting of the Church Youth Group environment Introduce various friends , then the appearance of sarah ordeal comes up... Ethan is talking fine, but when sarah walks by, ethan freezes up. will notices him, and does the guy thing, hits him on the back and tells him hes acting strange or something along those lines. Ethan Just sighs, and becomes somewhat silent, and goes to be alone for a while, freshens up in the bathroom or something....
move on to next scene
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
chapters: (draft)
1. Meet characters, ethan, sarah, friends. perspective=third person (ethan) setting church.
2. Turn of events News cast, make it very believeable with research.
3. hide out in a water drain for the night.
4. late night run to woods?
5. faith in God...where do we run. Include a miracle
6. Formulate a plan.
7. Get out of the country.
Be thinking on this alot...forget about computers for a few months.!!! Love God
/*******************/ The Rebellion \******************************\
Rebellion starts on the western coast, and all surviving key officials and those qualified to make action do so. Order is given for all military vehicles that can be commanded to move out immediately to san fran. San fran was chosen because it is a good port, texas san fran , and mexico helps out where they can
1. Meet characters, ethan, sarah, friends. perspective=third person (ethan) setting church.
2. Turn of events News cast, make it very believeable with research.
3. hide out in a water drain for the night.
4. late night run to woods?
5. faith in God...where do we run. Include a miracle
6. Formulate a plan.
7. Get out of the country.
Be thinking on this alot...forget about computers for a few months.!!! Love God
/*******************/ The Rebellion \******************************\
Rebellion starts on the western coast, and all surviving key officials and those qualified to make action do so. Order is given for all military vehicles that can be commanded to move out immediately to san fran. San fran was chosen because it is a good port, texas san fran , and mexico helps out where they can
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